I’m not sure if this is the right title, but this is how I feel.

I know I’ve talked about friends that Steve and I have had in the past.

You really find out who your real friends are when one of the two of you have passed. Most, if not all, have been by my side. They’re offering me advice when asked. They’ve come over to help fix things I can’t. And we all know there are those that say if you need anything, to talk or help, let me know. But then there are those fair weather friends.

You spent many nights cooking out together, drinking by the fire, discussing every day issues and family things. Then all of a sudden… they are only there for you when it’s convenient for them.

I’ve talked about this one person in particular, I’ll call her the “Cork Lady.” As a refresher, she was a friend who told me less than two weeks after Steve passed that she had put a cork under his arm from our favorite vineyard to be cremated with him. She didn’t ask… she hid it… it was very personal to me and I was upset. She didn’t ask. So it went with him, without my knowledge.

Her husband, who was our car mechanic for years, couldn’t offer advice as to what needs stabilizer in the winter as far as yard gas appliances go. For years, this same guy, rode our tail and said we should get rid of our Subaru… it came up in almost every conversation.

So, I finally did it. After almost 20 years of the same Subaru with 369k miles on the engine… I took the dive! I was going for 525k because that was the record at my mechanic’s shop. But Sally Subaru was going to need a timing belt, body work by the gas tank, a new windshield, and 3 codes were showing up on the emission. She still ran great, AC worked, heated seats worked. I loved her so dearly. My heart was broken again…

So, hello 2023! I got another emotional purchase. I was hoping to put it off until April, but it seems my research yielded very few Subaru WRX CVT … so this car was calling me.

I know it’s not a buyer’s market. But it was what Steve and I had discussed since our former neighbor had one a few years ago. We were always committed to the brand. We all have our favorite cars. But, knowing how long Sally lasted me, I’m hopeful this will be my last car purchase. If, in 18 years, this will still be on the road, I’ll be 81! I might not even be driving then 🤷‍♀️

But, back to Cork Lady.

So, I posted my achievement on Facebook, she didn’t respond. Okay, not everyone checks it every day. Just last week, Cork Lady and I shared a bottle of wine and exchanged neighborly gifts like we had done for years.

So, today, I stopped over into their cul de sac to show her my new purchase… and she was very blasé about it. I don’t get it.

I’m not off my rocker, not on the deep edge and doing stupid stuff since Steve passed away. I’m so frugal, I use the water from my dehumidifier to water my plants, I hang my laundry around our bar stools so I don’t have to use the electric dryer. My thermostat is set at 62 so I heat the house with wood because oil is expensive now… I guess I just expected her to be more happy for me. I guess my loss is no longer her concern.

As I promised myself, I’m going to keep taking the high road. Because I still hear Steve telling me “let it go honey.” And I will. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt that my timing was off, she had other things going on that she was preoccupied with. I sent her a text asking her if she was okay today, that she seemed not like herself. I’ll await her response. You never really know what someone else is going through that could alter their state of mind and affect their behavior towards you.

I’m willing to understand her struggles whatever they are. But her indifference to a friend, it’s not acceptable.

There may be some changes no my horizons…

I still need to be around those who don’t dwell on my situation, but are understanding and supportive and happy for me, as friends should be… through thick and thin. So I’m finding out… some of my BEST friends will make me stronger.

Another year has passed us by. I hope all our years are good – great would be even better, but if you are reading this, chances are you’re dealing with a loss, a significant loss.

I keep pushing forward as most of us will. Why? Because it’s not my time yet. I believe we all have a time of expiration like food products. Nothing lasts forever. Some of us might make our choice on when to go but then isn’t that also our predetermined expiration date? I don’t know.

I’ve started following Julie, aka “spilledmilkmomma” on Instagram. She lost her husband just 4 weeks after giving birth to their second child. My oh my, when I think about how my loss is compared to hers… comparing our experiences to others is something we all tend to do, but truthfully no one’s loss is greater than any others. I believe it’s the strength we are given to deal with that loss, it gets us through day by day.

It’s been a year and 8 months since Steve passed away.

Things that I am working to change are:

• I can no longer say in a conversation that he passed away last year, because that was 2021 and now it’s 2023. It’s hard to adjust to the time that’s gone by.
• I can no longer procrastinate around the house. After all, if I don’t complete a task on one day, there is no one to help me out as the workload around the house begins to mount and then I’ll be overwhelmed and just give up.
• I vow to eat lunch out at least one time by myself in 2023. Who doesn’t like a great lunch served to them? It’s the hurdle of getting over being by myself that’s the challenge. But I can do it, it’s only lunch… right?
• I need to realize that with inflation, I will also have to curb my spending. And that means cutting back on traveling, getaways that might be needed to remove me from my reality. It means that Steve’s deer will only be fed every other day instead of daily since the price of corn has doubled since he started feeding them and I’ve carried it on.
• But, it also means I will not give up on being that person at the farmers market that pays it forward for just $20 a week. That produce could be much needed by a family and I’m sure it’s just a partial on their bill.
• I will keep on trying to be kind and when my temper gets the best of me, I won’t instantaneously react. I’ll give it time and realize that I’m glad I did because otherwise, that would have made me a rotten tomato. And I believe in karma.

So, there you have it. Not many new resolutions, just improving on me.

I’ll always be a mom.

I’ll always be Steve’s wife.

I’ll always be a sister, friend, cousin, neighbor. But these hats that I wear are those that I will keep trying to improve upon.

So… happy new resolutions to me… and to you!

May you be better, mentally, physically and emotionally in 2023! ☮️

Previously, I had talked about finding a “bestie.” You know, just a really close friend, someone who jived with me, to travel with, or go out to eat with, so I don’t have to do it alone. And somehow I thought if a had a good friend, that would make my life better. I’m in closer contact with my first cousins and maybe I need to give it a lot more time.

I recently returned from “our” go-to place, the winery in North Carolina. It’s our special place, we could tell our family we were going to the winery and they all knew just where it was. We had my 50th birthday party there, Steve’s 60th birthday there, so we hoped everyone that was able to attend could see how special that place was to us.

Well, I’ve taken a sister there with me for company so I didn’t have to go it alone. She turned out to be a “Debbie downer.” She couldn’t understand how or why we (Steve and I), could just drink wine and sit at the winery and chill in the North Carolina breeze, with the sun warming our faces. Sometimes, we, Steve and I, hardly talked, but the heart felt it all.

I’ve gone twice by myself since then.

One time, I traveled there by myself, but I connected with some friends who live nearby for a winemakers dinner, which Steve and I were never able to attend because of my work. One of those friends had lost her husband suddenly, 5 months after Steve’s passing, and I was amazed by her strength. And now, she has two boys, 12 and 10 years old to raise. But she’s a spectacular and positive person, so she hides her grief well.

The other time I went totally by myself was a full blown disaster. Weather delays caused me to reschedule my flight… into another airport, I had no rental car available then, had to Lyft at 2 in the morning. Thankfully, we had so many friends that we knew through the years, they took me if I needed anything, to an ATM machine, to get snacks for my hotel room, they even joined me for lunch so I didn’t have to eat alone. And I never asked them… they just wanted to do it.

Well, this brings me to my conclusion – I just got back from a trip to that same winery with another friend. She’s divorced, and doesn’t travel a lot. I’ve known her for many years but I’ve never really known her well until this trip. She is my sister’s best friend, but she was around us so much at family gatherings and through fun and hard times… I thought… why not ask her to go with me!? While she was a great person to travel with – she wasn’t demanding, we had fun, we laughed – by day 4 of 6, I kept thinking… and I’d tell myself I’m just grateful for her company, I hope she’s enjoying this getaway, and… I’ll probably not ever ask her to go with me again!

The truth is, looking at all of the experiences I’ve had since Steve is gone, the trips I took by myself, even the disaster trip, were still the best ones.

I don’t want to invite anyone with me who I feel like I have to entertain and see that they have a good time because they’ve never been there. We always had a great time… slowing down… drinking… eating…. Just chilling. And I want to keep going there and doing the same thing… at my pace… not as a tour guide unless the mood hits me.

So, that’s why I’ve decided…. The search is over… I’m just going to accept it as it is and no longer seek that person who I thought I knew enough to travel with, call up for dinner… maybe and I’m pretty sure I need more time for this to happen but as a human, you will always look to fill a void to find happiness. I wake up every day and choose to be happy. So, I’m moving on. I’ll stick to what I know that I get joy out of and let the pieces fall where they may.

The search is over… May it come to me.

I am trying my best to be socially active. And by that I mean, when one of my friends or cousins ask me out to dinner or anything, I’ll say yes. It gets me out and I get to have a conversation with someone.

Both of which I lack right now.

Someone inevitably asks, “How are you doing?” And they may mean it or it just might be a courtesy.

If I tell them I’m fine and I’m doing good, do they interpret that as me saying I’m ready to move on with my life?

Well, my life still has to go forward until it’s my turn. But then I sometimes think that if I say I’m good, they might think I’ve gotten over Steve… his life… his death. And I’m not sure I’ll ever get over that.

I do think it’s true, with the passage of time, you never stop mourning or grieving your loss, but you learn to live your life around it.

I try to hide it well. I try to only cry at night or in the car or when I’m working in the yard… places where no one actually sees me.

But the other side of the coin is, if I say I’m a mess, then they might think I’m unstable or a hot mess, and I have issues. Nobody wants a friend with issues or drama. I can’t guarantee that.

The thing is… since I don’t have Steve to chatter with everyday, when I get to talk to someone, I’m sure my mouth flaps like a duck’s ass. And who wants that? A one-sided conversation. And no one absolutely needs me to talk to them about my loss, how I really feel, because it all involves death… doom and gloom. That conversation gets old and depressing.

It’s been 1 year and 6 months since Steve died. To me, it’s unfathomable how time has passed. But they don’t realize it, because their life has carried on with the loss of Steve.

So, the thing is… if you invite me out, you might have to listen to me talking a lot. And if I reference Steve or you ask me how I am… be prepared…. For many reasons… even though my talking about Steve’s death could make you wish you never started to talk to me, remember, it may be because I’ve have no one to really talk to since he died. I’ve had “pockets” of conversation. And that’s the thing… No one to continue to talk to about Steve on a daily/frequent basis. But, for my friends who have not lost a spouse or significant other, and to keep others talking to me, I try not to depress them, in order to help me. Because everything about Steve’s death is depressing, and no one wants to hear that… I feel most situations at home when I don’t have to talk to anyone! Not on a dime… I’ll wait for a text response… I’ll wait for a message response… I’ll even wait for a phone call.

And that’s the thing… ☮️



…that my life was cut short, when Steve passed away.

He was my partner in crime. We had so many plans for our future.

We loved to travel, sit on the front porch when it rained. And, in the past, we had bundled up on several occasions where there was as either a meteor shower or comet passing by at 2 in the morning!

Now, I have no partner physically by my side. I haven’t gone off the deep end in my daily life. Maybe, that’s what’s expected of me. I don’t know. I’ve never lost my husband before so there’s no comparison. So I would also hope that no one is judging me.

I’m still cooking and grocery shopping. I still have to eat and feed our daughter. I’m always inviting someone over… so I have a purpose to cook and don’t have to eat alone.

But, don’t let this fool you or anyone that I still don’t cry every day at least once… if not more.

There will always be those days and times, those little snippets, where I cry and let loose on what I’m doing. I’ll hit that low point… I’ll pull up my britches and realize I still have work here to be done.

Case in point, we… I… heat the house with oil. The backup was a wood stove. Well, due to global issues making the price of oil skyrocket, the wood stove is now my primary source of heat during the winter. For the last two weeks, as I struggled to haul split wood up the hill in our yard, I broke down and cried. How can I do this? How can I keep doing this? By myself without Steve? I cursed at him, thinking why would he leave me with this hard work.

Well, as I carried on, my thoughts came into perspective.

1. Steve has nothing to do with today’s global issues.
2. I’m grateful we have a wood stove to heat the house as opposed to using oil. Many people don’t have that option.
3. Steve taught me well on how to stack wood and bank the stove up for the night. I learned by watching him.
4. I’m so frugal because of today’s economy, and the times Steve and I grew up in… we never wasted food and I still don’t. Funny story, Steve took a sandwich to work one day, and a coworker said, “You know there’s mold on your bread, right?” Steve promptly removed it… and then finished his sandwich. That’s why I loved this guy.

But, my life was so full with Steve and the kids. I’m trying to look back on our adventures and the multitude of great times we had.

We often forget how great our past was and only think of how great our future was going to be. For sure, this is true.

But if I reflect on my life with Steve, and how I wished I had more with him, we lived a great physical life here… together… with our kids… adventures… memories.

Now, I just have to keep living. I’m not doing anything crazy… I’m just moving forward being me. And Steve will always be beside me sharing my experience.

So, while my life was cut short with Steve, it’s just a new journey with Steve by my side but in a different way.

☮️ and ❤️

I’m going back to Monday, 8/8/2022. It started out as just another day.

It’s back to work at jobs we may or may not like. We start out our weekly routine. Back in the day, my aunt would have her cleaning schedule. Mondays would be laundry. Tuesday would be dusting. Wednesday would be bathroom cleaning and so on and so on.

It was a routine. I know I talked about this before, but I still struggle with my new routine.

Every day is just another day for me. What I don’t get done or feel like doing, I can always do it tomorrow. And, by chance, if tomorrow never comes for me (and some day it won’t), oh well! Will anyone realize that I didn’t vacuum or dust? Well, maybe they’ll notice the dust, because I hate it.

But on this particular day I had to write a check to pay a bill… and then it hit me. August 8 was our wedding anniversary. We would have been married 23 years, but together as a couple for 28 years. This is the second anniversary without him. I specifically chose this date (8/8/99), so he would remember… but he never did. He was just bad with dates. While these are just numbers and dates, the day is still important to me.

I might look through our wedding album and chuckle at how dark Steve’s hair was, or how skinny I was. And then I’ll look at the photos of the people there, and reminisce about that day, who was there, who is gone and cry – hopefully good tears. It was a great day. We were surrounded by those we loved the most, in our back yard, underneath a garden trellis. I wore pink, Steve wore dark green trousers. We were married on a Sunday and on Monday, we left for our honeymoon in Bermuda.

These days… they all have a number assigned to them, but it’s most important to remember the day… And smile 😊