…that my life was cut short, when Steve passed away.
He was my partner in crime. We had so many plans for our future.
We loved to travel, sit on the front porch when it rained. And, in the past, we had bundled up on several occasions where there was as either a meteor shower or comet passing by at 2 in the morning!
Now, I have no partner physically by my side. I haven’t gone off the deep end in my daily life. Maybe, that’s what’s expected of me. I don’t know. I’ve never lost my husband before so there’s no comparison. So I would also hope that no one is judging me.
I’m still cooking and grocery shopping. I still have to eat and feed our daughter. I’m always inviting someone over… so I have a purpose to cook and don’t have to eat alone.
But, don’t let this fool you or anyone that I still don’t cry every day at least once… if not more.
There will always be those days and times, those little snippets, where I cry and let loose on what I’m doing. I’ll hit that low point… I’ll pull up my britches and realize I still have work here to be done.
Case in point, we… I… heat the house with oil. The backup was a wood stove. Well, due to global issues making the price of oil skyrocket, the wood stove is now my primary source of heat during the winter. For the last two weeks, as I struggled to haul split wood up the hill in our yard, I broke down and cried. How can I do this? How can I keep doing this? By myself without Steve? I cursed at him, thinking why would he leave me with this hard work.
Well, as I carried on, my thoughts came into perspective.
- Steve has nothing to do with today’s global issues.
- I’m grateful we have a wood stove to heat the house as opposed to using oil. Many people don’t have that option.
- Steve taught me well on how to stack wood and bank the stove up for the night. I learned by watching him.
- I’m so frugal because of today’s economy, and the times Steve and I grew up in… we never wasted food and I still don’t. Funny story, Steve took a sandwich to work one day, and a coworker said, “You know there’s mold on your bread, right?” Steve promptly removed it… and then finished his sandwich. That’s why I loved this guy.
But, my life was so full with Steve and the kids. I’m trying to look back on our adventures and the multitude of great times we had.
We often forget how great our past was and only think of how great our future was going to be. For sure, this is true.
But if I reflect on my life with Steve, and how I wished I had more with him, we lived a great physical life here… together… with our kids… adventures… memories.
Now, I just have to keep living. I’m not doing anything crazy… I’m just moving forward being me. And Steve will always be beside me sharing my experience.
So, while my life was cut short with Steve, it’s just a new journey with Steve by my side but in a different way.
☮️ and ❤️