I am trying my best to be socially active. And by that I mean, when one of my friends or cousins ask me out to dinner or anything, I’ll say yes. It gets me out and I get to have a conversation with someone.

Both of which I lack right now.

Someone inevitably asks, “How are you doing?” And they may mean it or it just might be a courtesy.

If I tell them I’m fine and I’m doing good, do they interpret that as me saying I’m ready to move on with my life?

Well, my life still has to go forward until it’s my turn. But then I sometimes think that if I say I’m good, they might think I’ve gotten over Steve… his life… his death. And I’m not sure I’ll ever get over that.

I do think it’s true, with the passage of time, you never stop mourning or grieving your loss, but you learn to live your life around it.

I try to hide it well. I try to only cry at night or in the car or when I’m working in the yard… places where no one actually sees me.

But the other side of the coin is, if I say I’m a mess, then they might think I’m unstable or a hot mess, and I have issues. Nobody wants a friend with issues or drama. I can’t guarantee that.

The thing is… since I don’t have Steve to chatter with everyday, when I get to talk to someone, I’m sure my mouth flaps like a duck’s ass. And who wants that? A one-sided conversation. And no one absolutely needs me to talk to them about my loss, how I really feel, because it all involves death… doom and gloom. That conversation gets old and depressing.

It’s been 1 year and 6 months since Steve died. To me, it’s unfathomable how time has passed. But they don’t realize it, because their life has carried on with the loss of Steve.

So, the thing is… if you invite me out, you might have to listen to me talking a lot. And if I reference Steve or you ask me how I am… be prepared…. For many reasons… even though my talking about Steve’s death could make you wish you never started to talk to me, remember, it may be because I’ve have no one to really talk to since he died. I’ve had “pockets” of conversation. And that’s the thing… No one to continue to talk to about Steve on a daily/frequent basis. But, for my friends who have not lost a spouse or significant other, and to keep others talking to me, I try not to depress them, in order to help me. Because everything about Steve’s death is depressing, and no one wants to hear that… I feel most situations at home when I don’t have to talk to anyone! Not on a dime… I’ll wait for a text response… I’ll wait for a message response… I’ll even wait for a phone call.

And that’s the thing… ☮️

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