I don’t think I’m one of those people who are totally helpless. Granted, I don’t know everything about any one thing, but I think I’m pretty self-sufficient, and sometimes I’m just looking for some validation.

Here’s my situation: My daughter lives 3000 miles away in California. So there are a lot of things I don’t bother my daughter with, because she’s in an entirely different time zone. So most of the time I just try to text her with the important things because she can’t help me with some of the smaller things or the things that you do to maintain a household on a daily basis.

My son, on the other hand, is local and close by. He lives less than 20 minutes from us so I will often just text him with little stupid stuff because we’re in the same time zone. I text him about the things that I’ve done on my own without needing his help or anybody’s help, and he feels the need to always respond. I told him, look, if I really need you to respond or if it’s an emergency, I will let you know. I don’t expect a response for every little thing, sometimes I just want to talk or text just to get it out of my own head.

But sometimes I do wish someone would tell me, “Good job, Mom. I’m glad you could climb onto the roof and change that spotlight.” Or “I’m glad you figured out how to correct whatever was wrong all on your own.”

There are so many other widows that don’t have a clue, and that’s okay. But I try my best not to be a burden on anyone. I never have in the past, and I don’t want to in the future. There are so many new things I have to do now on my own, or figure out on my own – for example, I had to insulate the pipes for the winter and get all the equipment ready for winter storage. In the past if I was doing something like this, Steve would always compliment me and say, “Honey, you’re doing such a great job” on maintaining the lawn. Or “The gardens look so good, you’re doing a great job.”

But I no longer have that validation. And sometimes I don’t think my kids or friends realize how hard I try to keep things maintained. In my mind, when I’m taking care of the household maintenance, it’s as if Steve was still here and giving me guidance or a pep talk.

I’ve had to figure this stuff out because I’m not helpless. I always feel I’m empowered and I’m capable of figuring a lot of stuff out on my own and I consider it an accomplishment. I just wish sometimes one of them would say “Good job, Mom. You’re doing great, but let me know if you need my help.” Just the acknowledgment that I’m doing stuff on my own, because I am capable and I can probably figure out most things. I’m not a hopeless widow that need someone here 24/7, and I really only need help when it comes to the big things, things that involve power tools like a chainsaw or a log splitter. Otherwise I think I’m doing pretty well, but I just wish sometimes I could get some validation.

My kids always get back to my messages in a timely fashion, but recently, my son seemed annoyed. He called me and said “Come on, Mom. I’m not busy, just get it all out, tell me what you want.” I had nothing important to share with him, just those little things that I was so proud of, or how my day went, or what I did. Then I realized, I must be annoying and a pain in the ass… He must be thinking “Now what?” and hates reading my messages.

So I decided to change that. I didn’t message him for 5 days. He finally called me to make sure I was okay. Obviously, I was. But I said to him – This is what it’s going to be like when I’m gone and you and your sister will wish I was annoying you two.

So, make sure you acknowledge someone’s smallest accomplishments, even if it doesn;t seem like a big deal. But always tell them… whether they’re old or young… that they’re doing a great job. It inspires them to keep going on to the next project… it validates that what they did was great… no matter what it was.

At what point do you stop saying certain pronouns? Specifically, plural pronouns – like “ours” or “we.” So many times I find myself saying “We talked about this… We decided on this…. This is our plan.”

When do people find it off putting? Do they think I’m crazy? Do they think to themselves, “She does know her husband is deceased, right?”

Of course I do, but when you’re part of a couple for so long, it’s hard to stop using group or inclusive terms. Just like for some of those who are newly wedded after being single for so long, you have to make sure you’re including your other half. Well, I’m in the opposite situation… a loss of my other half rather than a gain of another half.

I asked my sister in law who has been widowed for 6 years now – Does it ever change? It was called to her attention after two years that there’s no longer a “we.” But, to break that habit is easier said than done. And until you’ve been here, it is easy for you to say.
I’ve tried to take everything with a grain of salt if I felt someone said something to me that I thought was out of line.

Now that Steve’s gone, are you going to get your hair cut?
When are you getting rid of his toothbrush?
Will you ever sleep on his side of the bed?

The truth is, I don’t have an answer to any of these questions and I might never. Things will happen when it feels right, not because someone said it should.

And I’m sure I’ll continue to say those inclusive pronouns for a long time. And I don’t want to change that just because others think I should. If it offends anyone, it just shows our love and commitment. Even if I say “I” out loud, I know in my heart and mind, it will always be “us” and “we.”

I think most of the time, when I text someone, since I am now retired and most of our friends work, they will get back to me, understandably in their own time. I think therefore I am… alone.

But they are busy and have things going on in their lives. I get that. I think I am… alone .

But what if I never reached out to them? Would they reach out to me ? Are they wary of saying the wrong thing or are they afraid of not saying anything at all… I think I am… thinking all the time.

Sometimes the simplest of messages can be of the utmost importance… inclusion.

But now I’m not part of that club, I’m part of the widow’s club. Which in our circle of friends puts me in the 0% . No one else has lost a spouse. I’m the prototype, I’m setting the pace, the standard, if there is one.

Those that I thought would be my best support system, haven’t been there. The others are my rock. They touch base with me when they are able and are always supportive.

I’m finding about the different types of friends we have.

The doers. The sayers. The ones that promise. The ones that don’t call or text.

The problem is…

I think… too much… therefore I am… alone.

This whole CDC thing doesn’t make it any easier. But I’m not going to get deeply into that. Since, and we all always knew this, we are all going to die. I believe it was part of our plan when and where and how. I think about it all the time. I try to rationalize death but it will come to all of us… I think, when will it be my turn?

I’m trying to put some plans into place for the new year. I’m thinking about the household budget, traveling to see my daughter for my birthday, going to my nephew’s wedding in September. I think I’m the only one in the house who is thinking right now. It’s all on me… to think, therefore I have to make the decisions.

I’m thinking about how to keep busy over the winter to keep me motivated for spring. That’s my favorite season, spring. I was born in spring, I love the new growth that comes with it. I like a spring rain and seeing what’s coming up in my flower beds. I’d say that’s my hobby…. keeping up with our yard .

I’m wondering how I’ll feel come spring, but I can’t think about that now. First I have to face winter.

I think I made it through the Christmas holiday okay. After all, it was more about the kids and Steve receiving and seeing them happy. If they were happy, I think I was happy.

January 1, 2022 will be 8 months that Steve is gone. And I think… how did I make it through 8 months already?

I’m not going to lie, there are mornings that I linger in bed. I justify it as me being retired. This whole year – and any maybe beyond – is a learning curve for me. Like starting a new job and learning the ropes. I think I need to be hopeful and optimistic that I’ll be okay and I think I’ll do okay. And that’s all I can hope for.

I friend of mine told me just after Steve passed away and was offering support, I have to find a new me.

I think I can… therefore I am…

May 2022 shine brighter in your lives that the year past!

What exactly does that mean? We can and should be happy that we are spending the most joyous time of the year with those we love the most. But shouldn’t we do that always? Every time we get together? Do we need a calendar to tell us that “this is a holiday”?

Steve and I never did. We never used a calendar to tell us we needed to celebrate. We would get with our closest neighbors – affectionately known as “the hood” – and they would all come over and enjoy a great night of food, conversation, and laughs. We would start a fire in the fire pit on our patio and just enjoy the night. It didn’t have to be a special occasion… but friends are what make it special.

Even when Steve was home on hospice, I tried to celebrate our time together with special things that we didn’t normally do, because he wasn’t capable of doing those anymore, so I had to make it exciting. We had many nights of “couple massages.” Of course, he was the only one who got a message. But we both gained something. There’s nothing better than being tactile with your loved one in a new way. He couldn’t get out of bed after a while and it’s important to feel touch from another human being. His skin got its nourishment and I got to enjoy the pleasure of caressing him in his last days. What a happy feeling!

We had reserved Friday night as our “food challenge” night – who had the best chicken wings? Who made the best chicken sandwich? Or the best hoagie? I spent 2 hours picking up these darn sandwiches when all that was open was drive thru… We tried KFC, Popeyes, McDonald’s, Chick-Fil-A… in the end, Popeye’s was the winner.

I tried to make every day a holiday for him in his last days. Every day was a celebration – a celebration of life. I tried to wear cheerful colors… and Steve’s last week, as I could see the end coming… I wore nice tops, put on makeup, did my hair. I just thought that if he opened his eyes once more… he would see me… his bride … all polished up… ready to celebrate something.

Our last celebration was a hair tickle across his face which made him smile… and that was celebration enough… it was a happy day… a happy holiday.

We all know most of the time that change can be hard. We get used to our routine, the status quo. I do this, you do that. Over time, we know what to expect. Processes change at work – sometimes we’re happy about that, but sometimes we think “Why change it?”

Things change because that’s how we evolve… we survive.

I no longer know what to expect. I need to know how to survive. I’m pretty confident I will. But that doesn’t mean I like my personal change or ever wanted things to change. When people are married and going through trouble in their relationship, there are options. They can agree to go their separate ways and divorce, or they can agree to go through counseling, and they can agree to stay married… but when a life-threatening illness comes to one of us…. Our options are limited.

You ask for a divorce, you ask to be broken up, you divide things … and yet… no matter who it is tougher for it.. you survive… move on… but you’re still alive!

With illness and death, you’re left with very little choice in the outcome.

We never asked for one of us to die from cancer so we could live apart.

We never hoped one of us would die so that we could live a life as a single person.

We never wanted our status to change… and yet it did, and it was out of our control.

This may be why we sometimes hate change. My life now goes on without my best friend, my husband. And there was never a memo saying that our household staff needed to be reduced.

I find myself changing things here in our house daily… all the time… creating change, and I wonder why?

I rearrange my furniture fairly often. Steve was not fond of this but he didn’t hate it either… he just couldn’t understand why I would need to rearrange everything. I now find myself rearranging and configuring another way to use that space because I’ve always done that on occasions when I wanted to refresh a room. Or am I expecting a bigger change?

Bigger than losing Steve, am I hoping he’ll come back to complain about the furniture being rearranged?

It’s different now, because I know he won’t come to me and complain. But is it my subconscious wishing that things here were the same and never changed? That I had a choice in him dying… but I didn’t, and neither did he.

This my friends, is the hardest change to endure… knowing and watching your loved one die and knowing there was nothing you could change.

Steve’s birthday was on December 2nd. It was his first birthday in Heaven. If he were here, we would have had our own personal celebration… and I thought about how this special day has changed now. But I’m grateful that on this day in 1953, I was given a gift to be delivered to me in my life. And that makes me love change.

It doesn’t apply to me directly, but some marketing agents took a poll about what people would like as single individuals.

Frozen dinners have been around as long as I can remember, in the 60’s… I recall Swansons… do they make them still? I had a mother who could work and bring home the bacon. So lucky, because we were a family of 7 kids that spanned 12 years from start to finish. Okay, I’m going to state the obvious but it’s true… we are Catholic and while my dad was an atheist, they raised us as Catholic. My mom was an only child and always wanted 9 children! 

Steve and I loved to cook, grill, and try new recipes. Now that Steve is gone, I’m noticing some new things about how meals are prepared for just one person.

Seems we used to buy a jar of pickles, they would be gone in a matter of months. They now package a lot of things in individual portions. Want some olives? Don’t need a can of 5.75 oz. That would be in my fridge forever. But I can now buy a 4 pack, vacuum sealed to what I’ve only only need with one kind at a time. 

Rice… mac & cheese… olives… pickles… you name it — you can get it in individual sealed portions! It may cost a little more but as I’m finding out, it’s difficult to make a meatloaf and not have it for many days before I freeze it. And waste is unheard of in this household! 

I don’t know if this was related to portion control… the single side… time is of the essence… whoever asks if you’re a widow/widower. But I find it good to know, that maybe by 2023, all those cans and bottles will be used before they expire. We looked at ourselves as being frugal, not cheap. There is a difference. And I know I went to Steve many times and said “ we need to use this or make it”, and whether he wanted it or not… it was all good!

I have so many dressings, jams, butters, salsas, from all the places we went. My supply is probably good for… years.

So, as this is my “after Thanksgiving thoughts”, but I’m not sure what my mental and emotional status will be just after Thanksgiving, and preparing for Christmas. 

Use those jams, jellies, oils, and spreads… the ones that were purchased during your adventure. Don’t be cheap, be frugal, there is no better a special occasion as now. Time is a gift. 

Notice what is in your pantry and make an effort to use it. Maybe it was bought during an adventure with someone who is no longer here but in our heavy hearts. And that means there’s still a part of them here. 

Let us bring on the holiday season!

I know this is going to be a very tearful time in my life of loss this year. Thanksgiving is upon us… Christmas is within weeks afterwards, and Steve’s birthday falls in between, on 12/2. 

So, in keeping with tradition we always say “Happy Thanksgiving,” “Happy birthday,” “Congrats,” “Happy Holidays.” Since the holiday season will be different to me this year, I decided to go outside the box. Why? Because I’ve never been in this box before. 

I Googled the definition of “thankful.” We are all thankful for one thing or another. It was defined as: “Pleased and relieved; expressing gratitude and relief.”

Thankful: in the past.

Then I looked up “grateful.” Grateful was defined as: “Feeling or showing an appreciation of kindness; welcomed, as in enjoyment.”

Grateful: a continuum. 

I am choosing to be grateful this year.

As I go through my days, I’m grateful that the financial path we chose will help me with future bills and expenses. I’m not bragging but just being real… so grateful there is no mortgage. I would lose the roof over my head otherwise. 

I am grateful that last year when I assumed “man” chores to keep the house in shape, Steve was setting me up to not be totally dependent on others, so I can keep on with the maintenance and smile, because I know I can do this. I’m trying so hard to be independent that I’ve compromised a small stack of index cards for the change of season maintenance of the weed whacker, leaf blower, push mower, lawn tractor, generator, and snow blower. Because these are all my responsibility now. Which is 2 cycle (tip: the lid will show you a plus sign or a raindrop symbol if it 2 cycle). Then you know it’s a gas & oil mix. Which things need a stabilizer in the gas tank. Who knew? Not me! Steve always took care of this.

Snow blower: electric start but gas operated, plug in turn the choke, do this do that… bam! I’m good. But right now, it’s too much info for me to retain, so I need to write down the process on my handy index cards. But in a few seasons, I’ll retain all the info and I’m grateful I will. 

I’m grateful for my family members — son, daughter, sister, sister-in-law — who will continue to not only take my text messages, but I’ve now made them commit to talking to me one  night every week to listen to me and  just talk to a real person. And they all said yes and are okay with it. I know they’ll regret it cause my mouth just flaps… but hey… then don’t pick up the phone when I call! It’ll be in the evening when I’m the most lonely and they can come up with an excuse. But they will pick up, I know that.

I’m grateful that I can remember our last holiday together, not knowing it would be Steve’s last. But I will try to channel how great it was here, at our house, while he was doing well. And I’ll keep those moments that we last celebrated going forward.

I’m grateful for the people that Steve knew, that I maybe never have met, who are willing to help me with maintenance that would normally cost an arm and a leg, into next year. Maybe they just liked him, maybe he was a great coworker, I don’t know. But I’m grateful they’re here for me in the future. 

I could go on about what I am grateful for… that being a continuum of life, because I am still alive but in a different way. I will continue to live life in a new way, continue to be with Steve but in a different way, continue to go forward as best I can or know how. But I will continue, and  be as grateful as  I can. Continue. 

Happy Gratsgiving! Be grateful!