Have you seen it yet on Netflix? Ricky Gervais plays a widower going through the grieving process, like many of us are. If you Google it, it’s categorized as a comedy, of all things! My daughter said I should use it as a topic for this week but I’m not sure I found it funny, it was more identifiable to me. It’s only three seasons with about six episodes each. I’m going to rewatch it and maybe talk about it in the future.

Today I had to have an exterminator come to the house for an exclusion, which I think is very expensive. I heard some random sounds in my bedroom walls… and naturally couldn’t sleep, so the technician spent the better part of 6-7 hours taking care of my house. I was fine with that. My mom always said what doesn’t pay rent must leave! I agree but I randomly cried off and on through out the day. There are lots of reasons that I cry now, and today I realized that one was fear… not fear of critters, but fear of the expense of taking care of them. It’s another monthly bill I have to work into my budget and will end up paying five thousand more if I don’t pay it off in a timely fashion. Then I think, what if I need another major thing taken care of? It seems that there are always hands in my pockets. Cost of living keeps going up and I could never grow that “money tree” no matter how hard I tried.

The fear is real… making ends meet, paying for repairs, utilities, and even food. But the biggest part of that fear is that I now have to go it alone. Sure, I can ask for advice from others, they can have their opinions, but the decision is ultimately mine. It would be my mistake… my debt… or my triumph.

This is true whether I listen to myself or anyone else.

Bottom line is… the after life. In my case, my life after losing Steve is my “after life.” Now it’s going to be all up to me, and no one else. No one can push me, I hope I’ll just evolve.

And I’ll cry when I need to, I’ll be fearful when it’s warranted, I’ll laugh when I actually find something funny. After all, I have the rest of my life to figure my after life out.

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