I think most of the time, when I text someone, since I am now retired and most of our friends work, they will get back to me, understandably in their own time. I think therefore I am… alone.

But they are busy and have things going on in their lives. I get that. I think I am… alone .

But what if I never reached out to them? Would they reach out to me ? Are they wary of saying the wrong thing or are they afraid of not saying anything at all… I think I am… thinking all the time.

Sometimes the simplest of messages can be of the utmost importance… inclusion.

But now I’m not part of that club, I’m part of the widow’s club. Which in our circle of friends puts me in the 0% . No one else has lost a spouse. I’m the prototype, I’m setting the pace, the standard, if there is one.

Those that I thought would be my best support system, haven’t been there. The others are my rock. They touch base with me when they are able and are always supportive.

I’m finding about the different types of friends we have.

The doers. The sayers. The ones that promise. The ones that don’t call or text.

The problem is…

I think… too much… therefore I am… alone.

This whole CDC thing doesn’t make it any easier. But I’m not going to get deeply into that. Since, and we all always knew this, we are all going to die. I believe it was part of our plan when and where and how. I think about it all the time. I try to rationalize death but it will come to all of us… I think, when will it be my turn?

I’m trying to put some plans into place for the new year. I’m thinking about the household budget, traveling to see my daughter for my birthday, going to my nephew’s wedding in September. I think I’m the only one in the house who is thinking right now. It’s all on me… to think, therefore I have to make the decisions.

I’m thinking about how to keep busy over the winter to keep me motivated for spring. That’s my favorite season, spring. I was born in spring, I love the new growth that comes with it. I like a spring rain and seeing what’s coming up in my flower beds. I’d say that’s my hobby…. keeping up with our yard .

I’m wondering how I’ll feel come spring, but I can’t think about that now. First I have to face winter.

I think I made it through the Christmas holiday okay. After all, it was more about the kids and Steve receiving and seeing them happy. If they were happy, I think I was happy.

January 1, 2022 will be 8 months that Steve is gone. And I think… how did I make it through 8 months already?

I’m not going to lie, there are mornings that I linger in bed. I justify it as me being retired. This whole year – and any maybe beyond – is a learning curve for me. Like starting a new job and learning the ropes. I think I need to be hopeful and optimistic that I’ll be okay and I think I’ll do okay. And that’s all I can hope for.

I friend of mine told me just after Steve passed away and was offering support, I have to find a new me.

I think I can… therefore I am…

May 2022 shine brighter in your lives that the year past!

One thought on “I Think, Therefore I Am

  1. It gets if not affirmatively better, at least less hard. Hang in there and let the sun shine on you when you can. You are *not* alone — there is a nebulous community of widows out here, finding their way. You’ll find yours too.

    Liked by 1 person

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