Posted on by Theresa

Why or Why Not?

A lot of the questions I ask myself these days start out this way: Why or why not?


Why do I pile things up on Steve’s side of the bed? In the past, it was non negotiable – he slept on one side and I slept on the other, like most couples do. Wherever we went, call us old fashioned, we always slept together in the same room, on our designated sides. Even if we were fighting or restless. Because of this ritual, I’m not ready to sleep in the middle and take his space. Not just yet, and maybe not ever.


Why not remove his toiletries? My first trip minus Steve, I had to remove all of his toiletries and “man” things from our pre-packed luggage. Yes, that’s right, there are a lot of us that do it – keeping seconds of the most used items packed in our luggage so we don’t scramble and forget things just before we leave on a trip. Now, what to do with them? I have double of everything: cologne, razors, toothbrushes, beard trimmers. But no Steve to use any of it. So now, it’s just sitting on his dresser. Why do I need double? Or why don’t I? Am I ready for it to just be singular? Am I going to look like a hoarder if I keep it? Not sure. So for now, I hold onto it.


Why celebrate? August 8th was our 22nd wedding anniversary – my first anniversary since he passed. I still celebrated. Why? Because I want to continue celebrating these moments with him, and not let go of the joy. And because life is still a gift meant to go on. Even though I didn’t go out to dinner or do anything special, it was still “our” day. I hesitated to remind our kids it was our anniversary – I hope they remember to celebrate special moments with their partners together – their first dates, their anniversaries, their birthdays and holidays. Because those memories are theirs alone and no one else’s. Even if Steve and I didn’t go out, we would remember these days and stop the hustle and bustle of our daily lives to enjoy the moment.


Why am I laughing or smiling after losing Steve so recently? Maybe because I thought of a memory that brought a smile to my face. Or just a distraction for a few moments that took me beyond the fact that he’s not here. Happiness can be a fleeting moment in time, especially when you’re grieving. So I take advantage of these happy or funny moments when I can. Besides – Steve loved to laugh. I like to think that now when I’m smiling or laughing, he’s still smiling and laughing right along with me.


Why not stop and enjoy the little things? I’m sitting on our front porch amid tornado warnings, and warnings of hurricane Henri… Why? Well… why not? This is what we did together. We wouldn’t let bad weather stop us from enjoying our nights on the porch. This was “our” time – listening to music, listening to the rain, watching the rain fall, watching the wind sweep through the tree branches. Sure, we’d get wet every now and then. But so what? Enjoy the wind, the music, the rain – at least for a short while. We would, of course, eventually scramble inside… we weren’t total idiots! But we still took the time to take in the little things – because you never know when those moments will get taken away from you.

Why or why not? I will always ask myself these questions, with Steve on my mind. Why would we do this or that? Why would we talk about home renovations we wanted to make? Why would we talk about our next adventure? Why would we make plans so far in the future? Well, why not? Because we should always envision a future – a trip down the road, plans that were talked about, even if they never come to fruition. The truth is I might never find the right answers to my “whys” and “why nots,” because sometimes there are bigger plans for us than the ones we make.

Posted on by Theresa · 1 Comment

No Beginning or End

I was watching The Today Show with Hoda & Jen recently. There was a segment with Bobbie Thomas who had lost her husband just 6 months ago. It’s true what they say, when you’re going through something, that’s all you see or read about.

I remember my husband asking me once, “Why are there so many commercials about cancer?” I told him that they were always there, but now that it’s personal to you, you’re paying more attention to it. Well, this is true now for me and grief and coping and dealing. So of course when Bobbie started to talk about her husband’s death – something that I wouldn’t have batted an eye at a year ago – it caught my attention.

I found a lot of comfort in Bobbie’s words – less crying doesn’t make you miss them less or, make the pain go away. She says grief is a riddle, it has no beginning or end. She smells his clothing for that familiar scent, which she knows may someday go away.

I realize this too, every day and all the time. When Steve first passed away, one of my sisters innocently said “You could probably get rid of his toothbrush.” I thought, no, I’m not ready to see just one brush in the medicine cabinet yet.

Steve carefully crafted a chevron pattern deck around our hot tub and soon enough, the boards will have to be replaced. As I age, I’ll opt for something lower maintenance and all his handiwork will be gone. Major household equipment that he was responsible for, like a garden tractor, will break down and that will also be gone. Things will no longer be “Steve’s,” but just mine.

When you’re in a relationship for so long, that sounds very selfish and greedy. Eventually, I’m sure, I’ll take over his closet space also, where I’ll go with his clothes, I don’t know yet, but his space will be gone and it will be mine.His cars will be gone, those he treasured, I’ll have more garage space, but I won’t have him.

As I renew policies… homeowners, car registrations, things that required his signature, I will no longer see him sign. In another year, it will be my signature on everything and his name will no longer be required. It doesn’t mean he no longer exists – in the physical world, yes, he is gone, but for me he’ll always be there calling my name every once in a while. I’ll hear him and then I’ll know I’m going to be okay.

And I’m okay with crying less in public, if I can help it. I try to keep my crying behind closed doors. It’s a shame, because when we’re happy and laughing in public, this is acceptable. But if you cry in public, you’re depressing or a basket case and it makes people uncomfortable. What’s the difference? After all, while they most likely be due to my pain and loss, my tears also might be tears of joy, to know that Steve is no longer suffering or in pain.

Posted on by Theresa

Coincidence or Sign?

I’m on my second trip as a widow, just shy of 3 months after Steve’s passing. He was supposed to go one this trip, and he’s here, he’s already showed me several times.

I’m traveling with a young friend and her 6 year old daughter. We’re at a beach on the East coast. Anyone who has traveled with a 6 year old during her first trip ever, and to a beach no less, knows the extent of excitement and energy she has! On the contrary to what you might think, her only fault so far is she’s a fussy eater. So to please her, I’ve been letting her mom choose our dinner menus. She chose pizza last night to be delivered to our room. Sometimes after a day in the sun, you need to stay in at night. There must be a thousand pizza places in any given city or town – pizza chains, family owned pizzerias, Italian restaurants with fancy Neapolitan-style pizza, places with pizza appetizers… the list could go on and on.

On this night, she chose Marco’s Pizza, the chain. It’s not a big deal to most, but to me it was a striking coincidence, since Steve always wanted to try their pizza. We would see the commercial for them on TV all the time. We had none in our area yet, so we never had the opportunity to try it. Now I am and he is not here to share it with me. Luckily, for Steve, it was just pizza, nothing to write home about, but out of all the pizza places in the area she could have chosen – why did she choose Marco’s?

Second coincidence: I’m at the beach playing Scrabble on my phone, as I often do. An ad comes on for Bermuda. The date is 7/31, we were married on 8/8/99. So in just one week or so, it would be the anniversary of when we flew to our honeymoon destination of – you guessed it – Bermuda! Why would I get this sign? I’ve never gotten a commercial for to travel to Bermuda before – so why now?

Maybe it’s because I’m at the beach. He should be at the beach, too. So he sent me an ad for a very special beach. It’s where we spent a very special time in our lives. He and I would likely be sitting here today, talking about our anniversary, our happy years together, and reminiscing about Bermuda – our place.

And one more coincidence: Shortly after Steve passed away, I got the cable bill in the mail. We’re on auto pay, but we get a paper statement every month anyway. Along with the bill came the advertised video-on-demand brochure. And the cover was the Tom & Jerry movie. Steve had often talked to me and our son Paul about how he wanted to see this movie. He thought it would be hysterical, based on the old school version of Tom & Jerry that he grew up with. He never got to see the movie – but we may soon have a movie night when all my kids are home in September!

I’m sure I’m going to keep seeing things, which I believe are not just coincidences, but signs. I’ll watch Tom & Jerry with him in my mind and heart. I ate the Marcos pizza, thinking of Steve with every bite. I’ll always reminisce about Bermuda, and some day make it back.

And, as always… I’ll keep my self open for signs… no coincidences… just signs. Because that’s what keeps me going forward… signs sent from Steve, letting me know he’s okay, and that he’s watching over me.

Posted on by Theresa

Rules for Being a Widow

1. Always, always have a tissue nearby. It doesn’t matter what the occasion or where I am, if I need to cry, I’m going to cry. All the time. For no particular reason. Or maybe it’s for a small reason, like I was cleaning under our bed and his shoes are still there! And they always will be.

2. Don’t let anyone tell you that you should be “over mourning by now.” No matter how much time has passed. A new friend of mine, who I met through my daughter, lost her husband at the age of 31, with a two year old daughter. She told me that someone said to her, after only a few months, that she should be done grieving. But how could she possibly process that loss after a few months? What most people fail to realize is that you never stop grieving. It might get easier to deal with in time, but that person that you lost never completely leaves you. And you love just as hard at age 25, 40, or in my case, 61. Age does not define the depth of your love.

3. Bargain if you have too! I know this sounds silly, but I can remember countless times when I needed my husband for something silly and small, I’d turn to him and he’d fix it. My thing seems to be flashlights. Some might think it’s overkill, but I keep one in every room – not even just for my own safety, but to see the buttons and switches on the tv, stereo, or to look in a closet. Seems I’m on flashlight #2 that I can’t get the batteries out of! I’m not inept at this stuff, so I think my husband is messing with me. So, for something so silly, I bargain with a neighbor. I give him a meal and my flashlight, and he fixes it for me. There are always more than enough leftovers, so share the wealth for free problem solving. You both benefit.

4. Take everything someone says with a deep breath and think about it. I’m still going through my loss, but life moves on not just for me but for everyone. Those that are in your circle know you just had this big loss, but they don’t think about it the way you do. For instance: My neighbors were having some trees cut down. I also need some cut down. But they both work full time, I’m the only one that’s retired and spends most of the time in my house right now. My neighbor meant to be helpful in telling me what it was costing him and what it would cost me, but I have to budget differently now. I have no husband to bounce things off of, to lean on with big dollar decision making. I said to him “Remember I’m the only income now.” And he replied, “Well, my wife is down to 20 hours a week due to Covid.” But the point for me here is: You still have “her.” I no longer have a “him.” But he meant well, and didn’t realize what he said. You take everything people say differently and that’s okay, just don’t let it escalate or you’re going to be told you’re bonkers and need help. They don’t understand your loss like you.

5. I’ll deal with it eventually! That means everything. I’ll clean when I feel motivated, I’ll cut the grass when I feel like it, and so on. Right now, I lost the guy who used to rally me. If there was something I set out to do, he’d encourage me, and so in my mind, completing that task would make him happy. And that’s the bottom line, making someone else happy. I’m not saying I can’t be selfish and do it for me, but if it was important to him, I did it. Now, I do everything with him in mind and how he would pat me on the back when it was done. I was fortunate enough to have a husband that told me everything I did was a good job, even if I thought otherwise. So, whatever you gotta do – do it when it suits you.

6. Keep pushing forward, no matter what. I’m taking 3 trips this year – small, but still some nice getaways. These were planned for us to go together on. I know he’ll still “be there,” and while I will miss having him with me physically, but I don’t let it even cross my mind that I’m not entitled to get away. If anything, I feel more entitled! After all, look around – neighbors, friends, and family that are couples are getting away together, they’re planning cookouts together, going to dinner together. I will be with him there… together… but in a different way.

7. Keep the line of communication open to the one you lost. I ask my husband all the time what I should do, help me make a decision, to get me through this, and somehow, he does. His voice in my head gives me clarity and I hear him tell me to remember the things we talked about. Most importantly, things that were on our list. “The list” has now become a familiar term with me and our kids. They now get that there was always an ongoing list and a plan. Others may not know this, but I do and I choose to keep following the “list.” After all, when he was by my side, this was our list, it’s still our list. But only I know that.

8. Play your hand… the widow/widower card. After all, how many times has someone said, “We’re newlyweds,” “I just graduated,” “it’s my birthday,” and someone does something nice for them? Well, it’s a big occasion for me too! The first time it happened to me was when I was flying home from North Carolina and when the airline cancelled his ticket, they also cancelled mine. It didn’t get me a free trip home, it didn’t get me a seat on the next plane, but it did get me a box of tissues and some great hugs and encouragement from two American Airlines employees at the ticket counter. And sometimes, that’s all you need.

9. People will always tell you they’re sorry. “Sorry for your loss.” “Let me know if you need anything.” “Text or call me anytime.” “I’m here for you.” And yes, they are. But truth be told, they don’t know what else to say, and if you text or call them, they might be busy, they’re not sitting by the phone in that one moment of need. So you then feel, no one is there for you. But they are, it’s just not when you need them the most. Eventually, I’d had enough of the generic questions just to be polite. So when a friend of my sister asked me if there was anything I needed or anything she could do, I asked her “Can you bring my husband back?” She said no, and I knew she could handle that response, so she wasn’t offended, and it felt good to finally get it off my chest.

10. Last rule: There really aren’t any. I continue as best I can. With grief, everyone is on their own personal journey and everyone handles it differently. People have no rules when it comes to dealing with this. There is no manual for how to grieve. Some people will cry all day, every day. Some people will go right back to their normal routine, unfazed. Some people go to counseling, some people lean heavily on their friends and family for support. Some people will try a little bit of everything, still figuring out what works for them in such a difficult, confusing time. Just know that you have the right to readjust to your new life as you play your card. The only rules that matter are your rules.

Posted on by Theresa

Thoughts From the Porch

I sit out on the front porch most nights at the end of the day – the warmth of the sun reminds me of how many great moments we had there, but now your chair is empty.

Paul comes down once a week to check in me and spend the evening. He’ll take care of things that I can’t, and he sits in Stevo’s chair, as Paul always called him. I’m grateful for the help and the company.

You will always need that one true friend, whether it be a neighbor or a long time girlfriend, in this case, it’s my son and daughter who have been my rocks. I hope that someday, when the times comes, they have that “rock” in their lives.

Weekends are particularly sad right now. It’s July, and I’ve realized it’s now been over two months since my husband passed. The weather is gorgeous, the days are long and beautiful. All of our coupled friends are planning long weekends, or just getting away for a day trip – and where am I? I’m not a couple anymore. I’m a weeping widow. I do envy all of them – I’d love just one more weekend, one more chance to get away, and spend time with only him.

We were just getting into our golden years. We had savings, we had paid off our mortgage, discussed home projects, made plans for vacations we wanted to take, and now – I go it alone. Sure, I plan on tackling the list of projects we made together. I hope to travel again. But who am I doing those things with? Who am I doing those things for? The person I built the most memories with is gone – he lives only in my heart and mind now.

I have good days and bad days – it seems like this is actually more of a bad week, even when I’m sitting on the porch, feeling the warmth of sun shining down from our painted sky.

Posted on by Theresa

They Say They Know

When my husband was sent home to be put on hospice, I knew what that meant. I’m pretty sure he did too, but he never asked and I never said. He never mentioned dying to me, never asked about it, and even prior to his diagnosis, death was a topic that he never wanted to discuss.

One day he asked me, “How long can I stay here on hospice?”

“You can stay as long as you like,” I said. “You can stay forever.”

I was pretty sure his medications were clouding his thoughts. When he was diagnosed with the cancer, about eight months prior, I was doing what I had to do and he couldn’t. The silver lining in the dark clouds that made up the Covid shutdown was that I got to stay home and spend time with him before he officially became “ill.” It also allowed him time to teach me what I needed to to survive in a world without him. I learned what yard equipment used regular gas, what a 2 cycle was, how to use a snow blower, weed whacker, leaf blower and most things that were mechanical to maintain the house and the yard.

He always told me what a great job I was doing taking care of the place – our “cottage,” as we called it. So was he preparing me, then? Did he actually realize that that one day he would no longer be around, and so he tried to make the transition less stressful? So that I could still be independent when he was no longer here?

I recently got a call from a care provider who would watch our daughter in the fall, once a week, when things were slightly open, so we could have a date night. Well, I’m no longer a couple, so I don’t need a date night, but maybe she still called me for a reason – to get out and not just be confined to housework and everyday tasks.

So I had to think, where could I go? What would I do? Without a plan, I took her up on her offer. I knew she was also a widow but not the circumstances. I found out that eight years ago, she lost her husband in a car accident. So we bonded over our losses. She thinks her husband knew somehow, about his short future. He always researched everything before buying, but towards the end he was just buying, more impulsively. Financially, he wasn’t going over the top, but usually this was unlike him. He didn’t balk at the price of something all of a sudden but just bought it.

“It’s funny you said say that,” I told her. Because when I shopped for food and would get a family pack of hamburger meat, I’d reserve what I needed and he would take care of the rest. He was the master of making burgers. This past week I took out a pack of his hamburgers from the freezer – they were wrapped so I couldn’t tell how many were in the pack at first. When they thawed, there were only two patties. But we were a household of three at the time that he’d prepared them. Did he just make two so that I didn’t have to worry about having any extra?

So I went back to the freezer to remove an identical package of burgers… it also only contained two patties. I think he thought it would be easier for me. But I took this as a sign – a sign that he knew, though the words were never spoken.

Posted on by Theresa · 1 Comment

Just Getting Started

Grief… this is what made me start my blog. I realized one day that everything I was feeling or thinking, maybe others were thinking the same thing. Was this thought okay? My hope for this blog is not to tell anyone how they should feel after losing a loved one, but rather how I’m feeling on any particular day or moment, and this may help you feel like you are not alone. And you may feel differently than I do on any particular day or moment, and that’s okay. There is no right or wrong way to feel about anything. I have just recently lost Stephen, my husband of 21 years. This is why I grieve. He was my plus one, my “Lucky,” and my soulmate. He was snatched from me due to something I couldn’t control no matter how hard we tried.

My hope is to not only deal with the grief that comes with losing my husband, but to also give you some comfort as you hear my story, think about your story, and realize that you are not alone. Even if I may never see you or cross paths, please know that all of our grief is real and as I deal with mine, hopefully this will help you navigate through yours by reading this. And you’ll be okay. Just a different version of yourself, a newer model – too bad you don’t come with a manual.

I will try to share all my thoughts and emotions as they come – and they may be random at times. But I hope you’ll get to know me and identify in some way with what we’ve all gone through. I’m not an expert on anything… a degree in grief isn’t something that exists, and even if it did, it’s not something I would plan on getting. I’m just a wife in love who has lost her husband. And I hope that in sharing my experience, we might be able to connect and heal together. No one really tells you how to handle grief until it actually happens – it’s almost too taboo, or too sensitive of a topic, even though it’s something we all must go through eventually. So we forge ahead as best we see fit, making it up as we go – because instructions are not included.