Posted on by Theresa

Things I’ve Noticed

It doesn’t apply to me directly, but some marketing agents took a poll about what people would like as single individuals.

Frozen dinners have been around as long as I can remember, in the 60’s… I recall Swansons… do they make them still? I had a mother who could work and bring home the bacon. So lucky, because we were a family of 7 kids that spanned 12 years from start to finish. Okay, I’m going to state the obvious but it’s true… we are Catholic and while my dad was an atheist, they raised us as Catholic. My mom was an only child and always wanted 9 children! 

Steve and I loved to cook, grill, and try new recipes. Now that Steve is gone, I’m noticing some new things about how meals are prepared for just one person.

Seems we used to buy a jar of pickles, they would be gone in a matter of months. They now package a lot of things in individual portions. Want some olives? Don’t need a can of 5.75 oz. That would be in my fridge forever. But I can now buy a 4 pack, vacuum sealed to what I’ve only only need with one kind at a time. 

Rice… mac & cheese… olives… pickles… you name it — you can get it in individual sealed portions! It may cost a little more but as I’m finding out, it’s difficult to make a meatloaf and not have it for many days before I freeze it. And waste is unheard of in this household! 

I don’t know if this was related to portion control… the single side… time is of the essence… whoever asks if you’re a widow/widower. But I find it good to know, that maybe by 2023, all those cans and bottles will be used before they expire. We looked at ourselves as being frugal, not cheap. There is a difference. And I know I went to Steve many times and said “ we need to use this or make it”, and whether he wanted it or not… it was all good!

I have so many dressings, jams, butters, salsas, from all the places we went. My supply is probably good for… years.

So, as this is my “after Thanksgiving thoughts”, but I’m not sure what my mental and emotional status will be just after Thanksgiving, and preparing for Christmas. 

Use those jams, jellies, oils, and spreads… the ones that were purchased during your adventure. Don’t be cheap, be frugal, there is no better a special occasion as now. Time is a gift. 

Notice what is in your pantry and make an effort to use it. Maybe it was bought during an adventure with someone who is no longer here but in our heavy hearts. And that means there’s still a part of them here. 

Let us bring on the holiday season!

Posted on by Theresa

Happy Gratsgiving

I know this is going to be a very tearful time in my life of loss this year. Thanksgiving is upon us… Christmas is within weeks afterwards, and Steve’s birthday falls in between, on 12/2. 

So, in keeping with tradition we always say “Happy Thanksgiving,” “Happy birthday,” “Congrats,” “Happy Holidays.” Since the holiday season will be different to me this year, I decided to go outside the box. Why? Because I’ve never been in this box before. 

I Googled the definition of “thankful.” We are all thankful for one thing or another. It was defined as: “Pleased and relieved; expressing gratitude and relief.”

Thankful: in the past.

Then I looked up “grateful.” Grateful was defined as: “Feeling or showing an appreciation of kindness; welcomed, as in enjoyment.”

Grateful: a continuum. 

I am choosing to be grateful this year.

As I go through my days, I’m grateful that the financial path we chose will help me with future bills and expenses. I’m not bragging but just being real… so grateful there is no mortgage. I would lose the roof over my head otherwise. 

I am grateful that last year when I assumed “man” chores to keep the house in shape, Steve was setting me up to not be totally dependent on others, so I can keep on with the maintenance and smile, because I know I can do this. I’m trying so hard to be independent that I’ve compromised a small stack of index cards for the change of season maintenance of the weed whacker, leaf blower, push mower, lawn tractor, generator, and snow blower. Because these are all my responsibility now. Which is 2 cycle (tip: the lid will show you a plus sign or a raindrop symbol if it 2 cycle). Then you know it’s a gas & oil mix. Which things need a stabilizer in the gas tank. Who knew? Not me! Steve always took care of this.

Snow blower: electric start but gas operated, plug in turn the choke, do this do that… bam! I’m good. But right now, it’s too much info for me to retain, so I need to write down the process on my handy index cards. But in a few seasons, I’ll retain all the info and I’m grateful I will. 

I’m grateful for my family members — son, daughter, sister, sister-in-law — who will continue to not only take my text messages, but I’ve now made them commit to talking to me one  night every week to listen to me and  just talk to a real person. And they all said yes and are okay with it. I know they’ll regret it cause my mouth just flaps… but hey… then don’t pick up the phone when I call! It’ll be in the evening when I’m the most lonely and they can come up with an excuse. But they will pick up, I know that.

I’m grateful that I can remember our last holiday together, not knowing it would be Steve’s last. But I will try to channel how great it was here, at our house, while he was doing well. And I’ll keep those moments that we last celebrated going forward.

I’m grateful for the people that Steve knew, that I maybe never have met, who are willing to help me with maintenance that would normally cost an arm and a leg, into next year. Maybe they just liked him, maybe he was a great coworker, I don’t know. But I’m grateful they’re here for me in the future. 

I could go on about what I am grateful for… that being a continuum of life, because I am still alive but in a different way. I will continue to live life in a new way, continue to be with Steve but in a different way, continue to go forward as best I can or know how. But I will continue, and  be as grateful as  I can. Continue. 

Happy Gratsgiving! Be grateful! 

Posted on by Theresa

The Money Pit

I try as hard as I can to do everything myself. Unfortunately, at 5’1” (no pounds necessary), I do have physical limitations. Luckily, I always worked in retail management and for the ripe old age of 61, not having a desk job has paid off. Not that I’m knocking desk jobs, but I never had to join a gym because I got that physical workout at work … and got a paycheck! Why is it that everyone thinks, as a widow, I can now afford to pay to have any work done?

For example: Recently, I spent a mini fortune to have 23 ash trees cut down. We have a wood stove, and oil heat. But oil is sooo expensive! I thought I might want to take a break and not use the wood stove, but then the memories came back…

When Steve had retired and I was still working full time, I’d come home to a warm, cozy house with a fire crackling in the wood stove. In 2020, when he was diagnosed with his cancer, I was totally bugging out. Retail on limited hours still consumed my day. Then there were his doctors appointments, which lead to infusions and PT, and blood transfusions with no notice. I had to work, cook, clean, maintain the house, take care of our special needs daughter… I was on the verge… so I retired early.

Back to the money pit… I have a ton of wood, but no Steve to cut and split it. The yard looks like a lumber yard. Why should I pay to have wood delivered that was split when I already have wood…. Lots of wood!

When Steve was home and on hospice, it was for 5 1/2 weeks, during the spring. We wouldn’t normally start a fire once winter was behind us – sure enough, he asked for a fire several nights. I started them so he could see them, and feel their warmth. How could I say no? He wasn’t going to see another winter.

I had to change a spot light the other day. It would just be silly to pay someone to change a lightbulb. So I opened the window and screen on our second floor, climbed out onto the roof… and poof! It was done – twice, since the first bulb didn’t work… just my luck. But how much money did I save?

I’m reworking the front panel on our hot tub. The guts were replaced this summer and I need to buckle it up so critters don’t get in there to nibble or nest. How much am I saving by doing it on my own?

A lot of the things I’m doing around the house, I had done before. But if I didn’t get to it, it would be “hey Steve, can you do this for me?” And he’d add it to “the list.” But now it’s just me.

People say I should get a lawn service to cut my grass. We have over an acre of land, and now a lot of our trees are cut down, so hiring someone to take care of the lawn would cost me a small fortune. So, I cut it weekly, by myself. There wasn’t a day over grass cutting season that I didn’t cry. It was great therapy for me. Plus, over the heat of the summer, my tears could look like sweat. I do have a friend’s son who weed whacks when I need him because I don’t have that kind of upper body strength anymore.

Bottom line – I need to thank my departed dad. I was #2 of seven children, it wasn’t until #5 came along that was a boy. So we females would always assist in his projects. Then, most of all, I need to thank my Steve. He was a maintenance mechanic who worked for a bottling company for many years. He always did as much as he could around the house and share it with me. So I’ll find the tools, I’ll make it work… why? Because I can And why not? Because who needs a money pit? Save it for the bigger life experiences – like vacations, parties, events. Because when you’re at the end of the road, are you going to remember the potholes you’ve fixed, or the memories you’ve made along the way? Make the best choices and don’t get sucked into the money pit… if you can try to do it yourself.

Posted on by Theresa

Just Another Day

Sometimes, I lay in bed early in the morning and think… what day is it? I don’t even know. Unless I have a scheduled appointment, it’s just that… another day.

All my days are different, but they feel the same. It’s not because I lack of things to do around the house or errands to run. But it’s still just another day.

I want to tell Steve how my day was… what I got done, share my frustrations, ask him his opinion on where I should plant our mums, tell him that when I started the lawnmower some smoke came out of the carburetor, ask what that means. 

I know he hears me and he’s saying “Honey, whatever you want.” And the smoke could be this or that – “I’ll take a look at it,” he’d say. 

But he can’t say that to me now. I have to answer myself. Like many of us, I feel isolated and alone. It’s not that I had a spectacular day, an awesome day, an unusual day… but no one to share the little snippets in our mundane lives that we normally would be sharing… laughing about, chatting, making fun of each other, teasing, recalling the story of something stupid when we were with friends. 

While I still have our friends, I don’t have Steve to share in those moments. It’s just me telling them and  then it doesn’t seem so interesting. Just another day.

Some things that he used to do, or things that we used to do together, still need to be done on a routine basis. Just another day.

Sometimes I feel like a zombie, going through the motions. Just another day.

Sometimes I hate to plan ahead to do a project around the house on a certain day, because I might not feel like doing it on just that day. But it’ll all get done eventually. I have a list… the list, which I reference every time a new task or project comes up. Just put it on the list, for another day. 

So I’m finding my “just another day” allows me to take on every day. not just only on that day. 

Posted on by Theresa

Reaching Out

I haven’t been out on my own since I went to a retirement party on 9/11. By that I mean, I attended by myself and only knew about 6 people there. I was however at a family wedding on 9/25 and did way better. But most of all those days and times in between… I was by myself. 

Tonight is a Saturday, I’m trying to stay up for SNL’s new season premiere, and no one is available to text me back . Which, again, leaves me feeling isolated and alone. I’ve reached out to at least 7 people. They may be thinking… oh I’ll get back to her tomorrow… oh no not her again…what does she want now… I was just texting her earlier… 

Let me remind you that I still have my nonverbal daughter who at 36. She still lives with me and brings me lots of joy and hope and purpose. I could list every positive adjective, but that would be cliche. But they are all true!

My times of isolation vary… but mostly at night when I’m alone. This just reminds me that everyone is busy and they don’t realize the times that I am most vulnerable to being alone. I may be asking or texting about something stupid, but a response makes me feel like I am not alone… someone is listening. 

Sometimes I go for days without interacting with or talking to anyone. But I’m always there if some one needs me, and I always respond. 

I would just like for someone to reach out to me in spontaneity to say “hey!” Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like a bullet ready to explode and release all of my inner conversations and thoughts. 

So, the next time a friend, coworker, neighbor, frenemy, or anyone in your life sends you a message, please respond… they may just really want to hear from someone – to know that someone hears them and they are grateful they heard from you.

After all, don’t we reach out to coworkers while we’re on the clock, chat with neighbors at the mailbox… associates at the stores… 

These conversations may be small and brief… but you never know. You never know when someone is reaching out to you. 

Please reach back to them. A call or text could make all the difference.

Posted on by Theresa

Winner or Loser

If he thinks he’s going to crush me over this battle, he should think again. I know what Steve did at the time to get out of his marriage, many of us have been there. But he signed on the dotted line out of his love for his son, not knowing what the road to the future would lead us to. I can’t be angry at Steve for something he did over 27 years ago. However, I think his ex-wife has some issues over all this time about how happy he was, moving forward with his life and with me and my three children as part of the deal. In fact, Steve’s mom had pulled him aside at one point and said, “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

Obviously, he was sure.

I think we always hope for the best. Who was I to tell Steve, “Honey, you’re going to die from this.” Maybe I could have gently suggested that we take a look at what he owned. We never put much thought into how we spent our money – if we could afford it, we would buy it. So after his diagnosis, my focus was taking care of the man I loved, not about what would happen to all of his stuff upon his death. I get that there are rules and state laws and statutes, but looking back on his son’s lack of involvement and self-chosen distancing, I feel that some rules should be made to be broken.

We had always reached out to his son over the years. It seems like he snapped all of a sudden and decided he didn’t need a father. Unless it was convenient… to co-sign a loan, to pay for part of a wedding rehearsal dinner. We had family photos taken at his wedding but were never asked to view or pay for any. My Steve had to walk out onto the dance floor as part of the introduction with his ex-wife on his arm, while I sat at our table, not acknowledged. He was Steve’s son, not mine, so it wasn’t my place to interfere. Even after 21 years… it was their special day. I took the high road, no acknowledgement, just helped foot the bill the night before… strange but true.

I feel like I am battling for what seems like my second divorce. Fueled by the divorce papers his mother gave him…. Who does that, by the way? Who actually gives their kids a copy of their divorce papers? unless they are greedy and just can’t accept the last 27 years. They were not truly in love but were in it for the monetary gains and they will have to reconcile with their past with a higher being because I believe it’s all about karma.

Am I a Loser? In no way shape or form, even if I have to turn over some household goods, or some of Steve’s monetary gains.

Am I a winner? Heck yeah, because I had the benefits of having a great man in my life, with an ocean full of memories. We had an awesome life together, so money isn’t that important versus the love we shared.

So – if he thinks he’s going to crush me over this battle, he should think again. Because I am a winner. And all along I had the ultimate prize – my man Steve.