I’ve completed one of my many goals for this year…

I went to a concert in Philadelphia, by myself. I drove to Philly, which took about an hour, no big deal. I booked a hotel for the night, took a Lyft to and from Lincoln Financial Field, drove home the next morning…. And enjoyed the concert. I actually enjoyed being out of my element for the night. I wasn’t in our bed, in our house, surrounded by the memories and thinking about the “what ifs.” I knew Steve was there with me so all was good. I still feel his protection around me . I know he was there because this was the next concert on our list, to see Ed Sheeran.

We had seen many other artists over the years – Elton John, Rod Stewart, Stevie Knicks, Blake Shelton, Paul McCarty… and the list goes on. It’s hard to believe it’s been over two years already and yet, no matter how many trips I take or adventures I go on, it’s like it was just yesterday that he left me but yet he’s still here with me. It’s hard to explain unless you’re the survivor.

And I’ve come to realize, I am a survivor. I’ve managed to make things work on my own – mostly, my own judgment. There is no one to run things by, to talk about options with. And because of this, I sometimes think, if I can survive losing my Steve, every one can survive. We can and are all survivors.

Tonight, there was drama with my sisters. I, truthfully, probably created some of it but not all of it. As always, we have to be specific when texting, because we can’t read what you are inferring and those reading it might interpret it differently in their own mind.

We are planning a trip together, us 4 sisters. Out of the blue, one sister texts to the group that my other sister should bring her daughter on the trip. Why? It’s not stated, just that the niece is invited. My opinion is, if one niece is invited, all nieces are invited. Apparently, my sister with the daughter doesn’t like to travel alone. Solution: book your flight with the other sister that you have travelled with many other times before, who also doesn’t like to travel alone and who doesn’t have a daughter. Simple answer and solution, in my opinion.

But, I’m sure I’m now looking like an outcast and a troublemaker, but that’s okay.

Why is it okay? Because I’ve developed a thicker skin when it comes to things, like standing up for myself, my beliefs, my opinions. And because…

When Steve’s obituary was written, it said he was survived by me, his spouse.

There it was in the newspaper for all to see…

I’m a survivor.

I still have the same 24 hours in a day and seven days in the week like every one of us. The problem seems to be that I have too much time on my hands. Time to think, time to plan, time to finish my gardening (which is lacking at the moment). And then, due to our PA heat and humidity, I put it off. Because I still have too much time to complete it.

I went out to dinner with a friend on Thursday, so that was my excuse for that day for not getting anything accomplished. I have an upcoming dentist appointment… another day for not getting any housecleaning done or yard work.

I use the excuse that it’s too hot during the day, and I’m not one of those seniors who gets up at the crack of dawn. So, I get up by 9, take care of my daughter, shower, etc, By then it’s noon and hot!

And I’m not starting yard work at 6 in the evening, By then I’m just ready to eat and be a couch potato and watch Family Feud!

It seems, even though I don’t feel or think I’m old, I’ve got a lot of those old vibes going on.

And, thank God… for now. I’m grateful that I can procrastinate, I can ponder… why? Because God has graced me for now… with too much time on my hands.

I went out with Crazy Cork lady again. I actually had a good time and a great dinner. I went to the ladies room, came out, she picked up the tab and said “You can get it next time.” That’s great because this time I got what I wanted, as I was expecting to pay.

I told a close neighbor that I actually had a good time and he said “Live it up.”

Well, we all know that I will probably never be able to “live it up” again and have an enjoyable night or evening since Steve has passed. I know. It’s been over two years, but I’m not looking for everlasting joy or love. I’m just looking for happy, carefree days, things to bring me joy.

It’s tough, not only when you lose your spouse, but your best friend, the one that loved you through all your happy days, sad days, your hardships and happiness together.

I can’t imagine building that now, at my age, with anyone else.

But someone once said to me, “Live in the present, because the future belongs to God.”

So, my response to him was… “You do the same!”

Maybe he feels he’s living his best life and knows that I’ve lost my Steve and is trying to help me on my ongoing journey. Trying to always be positive for me.

I’ve also come to realize that your heart and head have to be in sync. Your head helps you to laugh and keep going, but my heart is still broken. It’s not ready to love anyone in addition to those I already love now, and not yet in the way I loved Steve. Some day, maybe… or maybe not… and that’s okay with me.

So, every day, I’ll try to “live it up” and leave the rest to God, I know God and Steve will always have my back!

Every thing I do nowadays is by my choice.

Now that I’m semi-retired, I’ve earned that. Giving myself a schedule and not having corporate telling me my schedule or how my personal life can fit into that.

This particular situation has been bugging me since mid May…

The crazy cork lady wanted to go out to eat with me somewhere. I knew sometime in May, she was going to Hawaii for her 40th wedding anniversary. I thought she would be too busy to work dinner in so I suggested we’d wait until she got back. Why squeeze one more thing in when under a time crunch?

Well, she worked it in. As I got my cash out to pay my share of the bill, she said she got this because she wanted to know if I could watch their cat while they were gone.

Now, ordinarily, this wouldn’t be an issue. She’s two blocks away, no big deal. But watching the cat, also now involved the litter box, feeding the wild birds, watering outside plants both in the back and front.

I was caught off guard. I had no plan B, couldn’t even think of my choice on how to respond. Maybe I would have ordered something higher in price had I known she was paying for dinner! My share was only $30… but those were my food choices because I thought I was paying. I felt like I was duped… mislead… taken advantage of.

And to top it all off, her sister-in-law comes over every day, too. So why do you need me again? I also have to make plans for my special-needs daughter while I take care of business because the house is not “Marlies-proofed.”

I know cork lady would be okay with me bringing her into the house, but that might just result in me having more work to do. I’d give cork lady 24 hours to keep an eye on Marlies, and maybe, just maybe, she’d understand.

So, I can’t – or, rather don’t want to – house sit anymore. My choice.

It puts me on a temporary schedule that I didn’t ask for, and it’s for 10 whole days… not two days…. Not one day… my choice.

I have a ton of work to keep me busy. Hopefully, with Marlies returning to the day program… she’ll be exhausted and I can nap.

I didn’t have a choice when I lost Steve. That was beyond my control. There are too many things in life that happen without having any say in the matter. So from now on, I’m making as many choices as I can, and I’m going to stand firm in those choices and not back down. Because you only get to make so many choices in life.

I keep looking back at times during my life, as we all do, and I think… I could have been this or I could have been that. I could have said this, or I could have done that.

I think about all the ways I could have been better… better at raising our kids, communicating with them, being closer and open with them.

Not that I think I was a failure, but I was on the cusp of the next generation of women who were making the choice to go to college and have a career, or to be a housewife raising a family. It kinda made being a mom submissive to anything else at the time. But, I loved being a mom. I just wish I could have been better or more assertive with all parental roles and the give and take.

But that was with my first marriage.

My marriage to Steve was totally different. He recognized my work schedule. And his work schedule gave him the benefit of being home before me. He would make dinner, since he loved to cook, and when I got home, whether it was 5 pm or 11 pm… I knew all the kids were taken care of. I didn’t have to worry or stress about what I was coming home to.

I could have thanked him more. I could have appreciated him more. I could have told him I loved him more.

Sometimes we are so wrapped up in the mechanics of life, we already think we’re doing our best.

But, truth be told, I could not have asked for a better partner in our short lives together.

I think, our lives are always filled with a lot more “ should haves”, could haves… and so we learn too late

Isn’t it funny how you can watch tv, the news, read a newspaper, flip through a magazine, watch a movie… and hear or watch it and that’s all you do. But, then one day…

All those articles, news briefs, current movies…. Start to hit home.

It’s not that you didn’t feel, in your thoughts or emotions, about those stories or what had happened… they just weren’t personal. It had to do with “other” people. People you didn’t know, but now…. It’s personal, it’s your person that’s being affected, and all those ads, advertisements, movie scenes, coincide with your personal life. It’s as if these messages were following you around waiting to strike at your most vulnerable time.

I remember Steve asking me, just after he was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, am I going to leave him? Because he saw on the news how many marriages break up after a cancer diagnosis. It never crossed my mind, but yet, there was a news story about it that coincided with our lives.

And then, after Steve passed away in 2021, there was the Netflix show “After Life”. How appropriate for me to watch in my most vulnerable time.

And tonight I watched “A Man Called Otto”. Again, so honest about how I have felt at times since Steve passed away, to a degree of actions that I wouldn’t/won’t act upon, but, I could understand how Otto might feel this way.

Within a month after Steve passing, I went on a scheduled trip to our favorite winery in North Carolina. It was an “incentive“ for Steve to keep hanging on and fight, but sadly he didn’t make it. While I was there, I saw was a news story about giving hope to men who are diagnosed with prostate cancer. I can’t even tell you what it was, it was so soon after Steve had passed away, it probably wouldn’t have helped in his situation, but I remember thinking, “If only…”

And I know, it’s not funny… it was just in the cards… Steve’s fate, my future… the future of others.

I’m sure, every time a new discovery is made, I’ll be happy but I’ll be sad,

….It really won’t be “funny,” but a great new discovery!

I just don’t know any more.

It’s now been two years since Steve has passed away.

I will say, the first year was the toughest… and then you just accept the future.

And now, I’m living my future, day by day.

Since Steve has died, I lost my youngest brother, and most recently, a brother in law, and his wife, my sister, still continues to be my rock!

My kids are always there for me, but the level of loss is different. Yet, my sister, who had to deal with so much in her married life, always has something positive to tell me or tell me that I’m still okay.

Steve’s favorite flower was poppies. Every spring we would plant a few. The spring he was home on hospice, I made sure he knew I had two to plant. That was 2021. I planted again in 2022, but missed 2023 because I was with my sister in New Mexico because she just lost her husband. Steve would understand.

There is a place very close to her house, Baylor Canyon Pass in the Organ Mountains, in Las Cruces New Mexico, my sister’s back yard, yet… we could not find a single poppy field!

Why? Who knows! There are beautiful pics on the internet and we searched and drove multiple times in case we missed them . I’ll just have to keep visiting my sister every spring to pay homage to Steve.

I do know why I pick fresh flowers every day to put by his picture on my nightstand, I do know why I let my window open when our lilacs are blossoming and their fragrance permeates our bedroom.

I just don’t know why… sometimes, family or friends think… so I keep these special things that I do to myself…. Then I don’t have to worry about what they think… I just know I’m good

I think that’s about what sums up life, at least my life now.

A square:

We all know they have 4 right angled corners. You travel down one side, you immediately turn, travel again, turn, and so on. It’s a very rigid and orderly shape.

I’d say that was my life earlier on. I married young. We had a plan. That plan ended. Probably because our plan was so rigid and goal-oriented. Not that we aspired to great job positions or wealth, it was just a plan. We had hit corner after corner. We didn’t know how to compromise. There were only right angles, nothing was obtuse.

Then we divorced.

A triangle:

It has three angles of varying degrees based on the length of its side. It’s a little less predictable. A triangle can come in many different dimensions.

During my divorce, I had to learn who I was. So, while I didn’t have 90 degree angles anymore, I was learning about me and how much I could bend. After all, I pretty much went form my parents home to my married home and now to a single mom divorced home with three children. Whew! Glad I got all that out.

It’s a good thing that triangles have varying degrees. This is when I searched to be myself and not compromise my relationship or responsibility with my kids. Although the divorce gave them some tumultuous years.

So, as the lengths in my triangle grew and shrunk, and the angles changed, it did help me become less uptight. That’s the great thing about triangles… they can never go wrong. No matter what the degree of their angles. As long as there are three, it’s still a triangle that allows some flexibility just when you need it. Discover how much you want to look at things and live with another angle in life.

And then I met and married Steve. He had his standards… his right angles and obtuse angles, but we made our angles work together through thick and thin. Good times, bad times, travel times, great times, party times, kids times, sad times, happy times… but it was ultimately our time.

A Circle:

As we all know, a circle has no angles. It’s a continuum. It goes round and round and… well, you get the picture.

I think… therefore, it’s true, I am now officially a circle. I’ve done all the hard things… raised three children, helped one through college, another one through the Navy. I’m still a roommate with our special needs daughter. I’ve lost all parents on both sides, and lost two brothers. And I lost Steve.

But if a circle is a continuum, did I really lose them?

I’ve been reading a book by my favorite author, Mitch Albom, The Stranger in the Lifeboat.

And if you turn to page 241, this is what is printed:

When someone passes, Benjamin, people always ask , ‘Why did God take them?’ A better question would be ‘Why did God give them to us?’ What did we do to deserve their love, their joy, the sweet moments we shared? Didn’t you have such moments with Annabelle?

These moments are a gift . But their end is not a punishment. I am never cruel, Benjamin. I know you before you are born. I know you after you die. My plans for you are not defined by this world.

Beginnings and endings are earthly ideas. I go on . And because I go on, you go on with me. Feeling loss is part of why you are on Earth. Through it, you appreciate the brief gift of human existence, and you learn to cherish the world I created for you. But the human form is not permanent. It was never meant to be. That gift belongs to the soul.

Mitch Albom, THe Strange in the Lifeboat

So, why did our daughter buy me this particular Mitch Albom book when I still have a few others to read? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why do I find so much truth in this? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why do I believe that God gives us people in our lives to serve a purpose? Squares, triangles, circles… 🤷🏻‍♀️

I believe He gives us all the angles and people we need at the that time in our lives to choose our paths, learn from or correct that path, change it, bend those angles, until we get to that time where we are in total acceptance of him and the choices we made.

Then we are a ⭕️ circle. I have come full circle. We know I can’t bring Steve back in a physical sense, but his spirit will never leave, our times and our memories will always be ours. It truly is a circle of life, I just wish I knew this earlier in life so I wouldn’t have spent so many years of worry and anxiety over what would be so endearing and enjoyable and enlightening in my later years.

So, a few last words…

I hope Mitch Albom doesn’t come after me because I give him full credit. But I’d love to meet him… call 📞me!

I believe God sends people into our lives for a purpose, to teach or show us something… love, tolerance, patience, or because we have a strength to handle or a weakness we need to strengthen, or a battle of our own demons that we can turn around to help others.

But, the geometry is up to us… again… God gives us choices…

Are you a square… a triangle… a circle…? ❤️