And just when everything starts to feel okay with the world, while you do the most normal part of your daily routine, a realization will hit you like a ton of bricks, and suddenly you don’t feel so normal or okay.

I just let the cat out, and I let her back in at the end of the night. It’s just what I do.

I do my final routine before crawling into bed. We all do that – wash your face, brush your teeth, take out your contacts, put on your comfy pajamas.

Every day I feed the deer that come to our back yard. It’s what Steve did. It was part of his daily routine, and now it’s mine.

I grocery shop, I get gas for the car, as we all do…

But then, there’s that moment, when I’m doing all of this, and I realize it’s by myself now. And I cry.

My needs, the household needs, haven’t changed. Things still need to be done on a regular basis. But I’m no longer on a daily basis, or a rigid schedule. It’s more flexible now. I’ve decided to take things as I feel fit to do.

So, I keep a list of things I want to do. I allow myself to cross things off and I allow myself to think “I should really do that.” But it keeps me going… so I don’t run out of things when I just thought I was done.

Truth is, I don’t ever want to be out of things… just done… at least until I’m 80ish. Steve and I have so many plans and visions for our “cottage.” I’d like to be able to see them through. And then… just then… I’ll be happy and at peace… and just when that will be… is just then.