All of our lives, we navigate. We may not feel like we are the captains of our ship at times, but we are.
When we make decisions early on in our lives… and I mean primarily starting as soon as we are presented and given options.
What sports do we want to pursue? What are we passionate about? People guide us, hopefully, they point out the plusses and the minuses, but they ultimately make the decision ours.
Widowhood is definitely not ever a chosen path. It’s not on one of those career choices where we check that box. Graduating from high school… desire is to be a widow.
We somehow know, in the way back section of our brain and subconscious, one will die before the other. We all get that. But we hope to grow old together into our twilight years and celebrate many outstanding years of marriage and celebrate by taking a vacation or a cruise. Just like those that are lucky enough to post that in our Sunday paper.
So, Steve passed in 2021 at the age of 67, I was 61. Our twilight years were just starting. I know, so sad right?
Now, I’m navigating those years by myself. Oh, I talk to Steve all the time, I feel he is always with me. I’m trying to get on with life, as if he physically was still here. But he’s just in my heart and my mind.
Sometimes, people have said, “Well, she looks fine to me… she’s going here … she’s going there…” But the truth is… I’m searching…. Navigating those new seas.
I’ve lost my compass, and now I have to navigate my life without it.
I’m always searching… trying to keep the house in good shape, looking for that next trip , saying yes to any friends that ask me to go out to dinner. I start a few projects since I really have no focus. It’s just busy work, to keep my mind free of my anguish, my loss.
And I thought a lot about this lately, as Steve has passed on, am I so sad because I’m selfish? It’s seems to be about me. What I miss, who will go here with me, and when I choose a place, I feel guilty because Steve would have loved and enjoyed this also.
But, it’s not the same.
Life is a navigation.
Learning to live life without your compass… that’s a whole new world .
I wish everyone well in their navigation through life