Posted on by Theresa

Why or Why Not?

A lot of the questions I ask myself these days start out this way: Why or why not?


Why do I pile things up on Steve’s side of the bed? In the past, it was non negotiable – he slept on one side and I slept on the other, like most couples do. Wherever we went, call us old fashioned, we always slept together in the same room, on our designated sides. Even if we were fighting or restless. Because of this ritual, I’m not ready to sleep in the middle and take his space. Not just yet, and maybe not ever.


Why not remove his toiletries? My first trip minus Steve, I had to remove all of his toiletries and “man” things from our pre-packed luggage. Yes, that’s right, there are a lot of us that do it – keeping seconds of the most used items packed in our luggage so we don’t scramble and forget things just before we leave on a trip. Now, what to do with them? I have double of everything: cologne, razors, toothbrushes, beard trimmers. But no Steve to use any of it. So now, it’s just sitting on his dresser. Why do I need double? Or why don’t I? Am I ready for it to just be singular? Am I going to look like a hoarder if I keep it? Not sure. So for now, I hold onto it.


Why celebrate? August 8th was our 22nd wedding anniversary – my first anniversary since he passed. I still celebrated. Why? Because I want to continue celebrating these moments with him, and not let go of the joy. And because life is still a gift meant to go on. Even though I didn’t go out to dinner or do anything special, it was still “our” day. I hesitated to remind our kids it was our anniversary – I hope they remember to celebrate special moments with their partners together – their first dates, their anniversaries, their birthdays and holidays. Because those memories are theirs alone and no one else’s. Even if Steve and I didn’t go out, we would remember these days and stop the hustle and bustle of our daily lives to enjoy the moment.


Why am I laughing or smiling after losing Steve so recently? Maybe because I thought of a memory that brought a smile to my face. Or just a distraction for a few moments that took me beyond the fact that he’s not here. Happiness can be a fleeting moment in time, especially when you’re grieving. So I take advantage of these happy or funny moments when I can. Besides – Steve loved to laugh. I like to think that now when I’m smiling or laughing, he’s still smiling and laughing right along with me.


Why not stop and enjoy the little things? I’m sitting on our front porch amid tornado warnings, and warnings of hurricane Henri… Why? Well… why not? This is what we did together. We wouldn’t let bad weather stop us from enjoying our nights on the porch. This was “our” time – listening to music, listening to the rain, watching the rain fall, watching the wind sweep through the tree branches. Sure, we’d get wet every now and then. But so what? Enjoy the wind, the music, the rain – at least for a short while. We would, of course, eventually scramble inside… we weren’t total idiots! But we still took the time to take in the little things – because you never know when those moments will get taken away from you.

Why or why not? I will always ask myself these questions, with Steve on my mind. Why would we do this or that? Why would we talk about home renovations we wanted to make? Why would we talk about our next adventure? Why would we make plans so far in the future? Well, why not? Because we should always envision a future – a trip down the road, plans that were talked about, even if they never come to fruition. The truth is I might never find the right answers to my “whys” and “why nots,” because sometimes there are bigger plans for us than the ones we make.

Posted on by Theresa · 1 Comment

No Beginning or End

I was watching The Today Show with Hoda & Jen recently. There was a segment with Bobbie Thomas who had lost her husband just 6 months ago. It’s true what they say, when you’re going through something, that’s all you see or read about.

I remember my husband asking me once, “Why are there so many commercials about cancer?” I told him that they were always there, but now that it’s personal to you, you’re paying more attention to it. Well, this is true now for me and grief and coping and dealing. So of course when Bobbie started to talk about her husband’s death – something that I wouldn’t have batted an eye at a year ago – it caught my attention.

I found a lot of comfort in Bobbie’s words – less crying doesn’t make you miss them less or, make the pain go away. She says grief is a riddle, it has no beginning or end. She smells his clothing for that familiar scent, which she knows may someday go away.

I realize this too, every day and all the time. When Steve first passed away, one of my sisters innocently said “You could probably get rid of his toothbrush.” I thought, no, I’m not ready to see just one brush in the medicine cabinet yet.

Steve carefully crafted a chevron pattern deck around our hot tub and soon enough, the boards will have to be replaced. As I age, I’ll opt for something lower maintenance and all his handiwork will be gone. Major household equipment that he was responsible for, like a garden tractor, will break down and that will also be gone. Things will no longer be “Steve’s,” but just mine.

When you’re in a relationship for so long, that sounds very selfish and greedy. Eventually, I’m sure, I’ll take over his closet space also, where I’ll go with his clothes, I don’t know yet, but his space will be gone and it will be mine.His cars will be gone, those he treasured, I’ll have more garage space, but I won’t have him.

As I renew policies… homeowners, car registrations, things that required his signature, I will no longer see him sign. In another year, it will be my signature on everything and his name will no longer be required. It doesn’t mean he no longer exists – in the physical world, yes, he is gone, but for me he’ll always be there calling my name every once in a while. I’ll hear him and then I’ll know I’m going to be okay.

And I’m okay with crying less in public, if I can help it. I try to keep my crying behind closed doors. It’s a shame, because when we’re happy and laughing in public, this is acceptable. But if you cry in public, you’re depressing or a basket case and it makes people uncomfortable. What’s the difference? After all, while they most likely be due to my pain and loss, my tears also might be tears of joy, to know that Steve is no longer suffering or in pain.

Posted on by Theresa

Coincidence or Sign?

I’m on my second trip as a widow, just shy of 3 months after Steve’s passing. He was supposed to go one this trip, and he’s here, he’s already showed me several times.

I’m traveling with a young friend and her 6 year old daughter. We’re at a beach on the East coast. Anyone who has traveled with a 6 year old during her first trip ever, and to a beach no less, knows the extent of excitement and energy she has! On the contrary to what you might think, her only fault so far is she’s a fussy eater. So to please her, I’ve been letting her mom choose our dinner menus. She chose pizza last night to be delivered to our room. Sometimes after a day in the sun, you need to stay in at night. There must be a thousand pizza places in any given city or town – pizza chains, family owned pizzerias, Italian restaurants with fancy Neapolitan-style pizza, places with pizza appetizers… the list could go on and on.

On this night, she chose Marco’s Pizza, the chain. It’s not a big deal to most, but to me it was a striking coincidence, since Steve always wanted to try their pizza. We would see the commercial for them on TV all the time. We had none in our area yet, so we never had the opportunity to try it. Now I am and he is not here to share it with me. Luckily, for Steve, it was just pizza, nothing to write home about, but out of all the pizza places in the area she could have chosen – why did she choose Marco’s?

Second coincidence: I’m at the beach playing Scrabble on my phone, as I often do. An ad comes on for Bermuda. The date is 7/31, we were married on 8/8/99. So in just one week or so, it would be the anniversary of when we flew to our honeymoon destination of – you guessed it – Bermuda! Why would I get this sign? I’ve never gotten a commercial for to travel to Bermuda before – so why now?

Maybe it’s because I’m at the beach. He should be at the beach, too. So he sent me an ad for a very special beach. It’s where we spent a very special time in our lives. He and I would likely be sitting here today, talking about our anniversary, our happy years together, and reminiscing about Bermuda – our place.

And one more coincidence: Shortly after Steve passed away, I got the cable bill in the mail. We’re on auto pay, but we get a paper statement every month anyway. Along with the bill came the advertised video-on-demand brochure. And the cover was the Tom & Jerry movie. Steve had often talked to me and our son Paul about how he wanted to see this movie. He thought it would be hysterical, based on the old school version of Tom & Jerry that he grew up with. He never got to see the movie – but we may soon have a movie night when all my kids are home in September!

I’m sure I’m going to keep seeing things, which I believe are not just coincidences, but signs. I’ll watch Tom & Jerry with him in my mind and heart. I ate the Marcos pizza, thinking of Steve with every bite. I’ll always reminisce about Bermuda, and some day make it back.

And, as always… I’ll keep my self open for signs… no coincidences… just signs. Because that’s what keeps me going forward… signs sent from Steve, letting me know he’s okay, and that he’s watching over me.