Posted on by Theresa

Just Another Day

Sometimes, I lay in bed early in the morning and think… what day is it? I don’t even know. Unless I have a scheduled appointment, it’s just that… another day.

All my days are different, but they feel the same. It’s not because I lack of things to do around the house or errands to run. But it’s still just another day.

I want to tell Steve how my day was… what I got done, share my frustrations, ask him his opinion on where I should plant our mums, tell him that when I started the lawnmower some smoke came out of the carburetor, ask what that means. 

I know he hears me and he’s saying “Honey, whatever you want.” And the smoke could be this or that – “I’ll take a look at it,” he’d say. 

But he can’t say that to me now. I have to answer myself. Like many of us, I feel isolated and alone. It’s not that I had a spectacular day, an awesome day, an unusual day… but no one to share the little snippets in our mundane lives that we normally would be sharing… laughing about, chatting, making fun of each other, teasing, recalling the story of something stupid when we were with friends. 

While I still have our friends, I don’t have Steve to share in those moments. It’s just me telling them and  then it doesn’t seem so interesting. Just another day.

Some things that he used to do, or things that we used to do together, still need to be done on a routine basis. Just another day.

Sometimes I feel like a zombie, going through the motions. Just another day.

Sometimes I hate to plan ahead to do a project around the house on a certain day, because I might not feel like doing it on just that day. But it’ll all get done eventually. I have a list… the list, which I reference every time a new task or project comes up. Just put it on the list, for another day. 

So I’m finding my “just another day” allows me to take on every day. not just only on that day. 

Posted on by Theresa

Big Girls Don’t Cry

But oh… yes they do. 

I want to cry all the time, when certain things come into my head at random times. But for the sake of me and others thinking “She’s off her rocker,” I don’t. 

Take, for instance, when you see a tragedy unfold on the local news – a big accident, a a murder, a person going missing. We see the relatives on TV for a brief moment, talking about the loss they feel immediately after they lost someone in these situations, but it’s a brief moment in time. The reality is… they don’t know the full impact yet. They don’t know what it’s like once those cameras go away. Neither do I. So why can’t I just cry and not be judged?

But how does society view a grieving widow or widower? I don’t know for sure yet. I’ve been to the dentist and have cried for no reason. I’ve cried at the endodontist – again, for no reason. I’ve cried with my mechanic. And I always felt I needed to apologize. So why? Is it assimilation? The smell, the sterile room, a doctor, no one to ask me how I am, how it was after the procedure. Our kids will ask, but it’s different when you go home, and that special person is not there to do the same .

Grief takes time to settle in. How long that is, who knows? It’s random. Some get over their loss and appear to move on and don’t miss a beat. But they are grieving, even though we may not think they are. Everyone has their way of trying to come to a realization of how their life is changing, not that they asked or wanted it to change but it was out of their control . 

I’ve Googled the five stages of grief. But I don’t think, in my opinion – sorry, Kubler-Ross – that they are definitive. That would mean in some respects, we are bound by a time frame, and that grief will eventually end, once you hit that final “stage.”

I could almost say I experience all of them on any given day. Denial… anger…bargaining… depression… acceptance. I will have to research in more detail before I can say for sure “yes, I’m at that stage.” 

I just say let our moods and emotions fall and lay where they are. I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow or next week , I might be 80 and just getting to the acceptance stage… who knows and who can predict?

I recommend, if you have access to it, watching The Starling, with Melissa McCarthy and Chris O’Dowd. I read the brief description about a bird… sounds crazy , how could it be interesting? But there’s a deeper meaning in the story about two people trying to heal after a huge loss. That’s all I’m going to say. 

But no matter how old I am, if I feel I need to, I’ll cry. Because yes…

Big girls do cry.

Posted on by Theresa

Reaching Out

I haven’t been out on my own since I went to a retirement party on 9/11. By that I mean, I attended by myself and only knew about 6 people there. I was however at a family wedding on 9/25 and did way better. But most of all those days and times in between… I was by myself. 

Tonight is a Saturday, I’m trying to stay up for SNL’s new season premiere, and no one is available to text me back . Which, again, leaves me feeling isolated and alone. I’ve reached out to at least 7 people. They may be thinking… oh I’ll get back to her tomorrow… oh no not her again…what does she want now… I was just texting her earlier… 

Let me remind you that I still have my nonverbal daughter who at 36. She still lives with me and brings me lots of joy and hope and purpose. I could list every positive adjective, but that would be cliche. But they are all true!

My times of isolation vary… but mostly at night when I’m alone. This just reminds me that everyone is busy and they don’t realize the times that I am most vulnerable to being alone. I may be asking or texting about something stupid, but a response makes me feel like I am not alone… someone is listening. 

Sometimes I go for days without interacting with or talking to anyone. But I’m always there if some one needs me, and I always respond. 

I would just like for someone to reach out to me in spontaneity to say “hey!” Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like a bullet ready to explode and release all of my inner conversations and thoughts. 

So, the next time a friend, coworker, neighbor, frenemy, or anyone in your life sends you a message, please respond… they may just really want to hear from someone – to know that someone hears them and they are grateful they heard from you.

After all, don’t we reach out to coworkers while we’re on the clock, chat with neighbors at the mailbox… associates at the stores… 

These conversations may be small and brief… but you never know. You never know when someone is reaching out to you. 

Please reach back to them. A call or text could make all the difference.