But oh… yes they do. 

I want to cry all the time, when certain things come into my head at random times. But for the sake of me and others thinking “She’s off her rocker,” I don’t. 

Take, for instance, when you see a tragedy unfold on the local news – a big accident, a a murder, a person going missing. We see the relatives on TV for a brief moment, talking about the loss they feel immediately after they lost someone in these situations, but it’s a brief moment in time. The reality is… they don’t know the full impact yet. They don’t know what it’s like once those cameras go away. Neither do I. So why can’t I just cry and not be judged?

But how does society view a grieving widow or widower? I don’t know for sure yet. I’ve been to the dentist and have cried for no reason. I’ve cried at the endodontist – again, for no reason. I’ve cried with my mechanic. And I always felt I needed to apologize. So why? Is it assimilation? The smell, the sterile room, a doctor, no one to ask me how I am, how it was after the procedure. Our kids will ask, but it’s different when you go home, and that special person is not there to do the same .

Grief takes time to settle in. How long that is, who knows? It’s random. Some get over their loss and appear to move on and don’t miss a beat. But they are grieving, even though we may not think they are. Everyone has their way of trying to come to a realization of how their life is changing, not that they asked or wanted it to change but it was out of their control . 

I’ve Googled the five stages of grief. But I don’t think, in my opinion – sorry, Kubler-Ross – that they are definitive. That would mean in some respects, we are bound by a time frame, and that grief will eventually end, once you hit that final “stage.”

I could almost say I experience all of them on any given day. Denial… anger…bargaining… depression… acceptance. I will have to research in more detail before I can say for sure “yes, I’m at that stage.” 

I just say let our moods and emotions fall and lay where they are. I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow or next week , I might be 80 and just getting to the acceptance stage… who knows and who can predict?

I recommend, if you have access to it, watching The Starling, with Melissa McCarthy and Chris O’Dowd. I read the brief description about a bird… sounds crazy , how could it be interesting? But there’s a deeper meaning in the story about two people trying to heal after a huge loss. That’s all I’m going to say. 

But no matter how old I am, if I feel I need to, I’ll cry. Because yes…

Big girls do cry.