I just don’t know any more.

It’s now been two years since Steve has passed away.

I will say, the first year was the toughest… and then you just accept the future.

And now, I’m living my future, day by day.

Since Steve has died, I lost my youngest brother, and most recently, a brother in law, and his wife, my sister, still continues to be my rock!

My kids are always there for me, but the level of loss is different. Yet, my sister, who had to deal with so much in her married life, always has something positive to tell me or tell me that I’m still okay.

Steve’s favorite flower was poppies. Every spring we would plant a few. The spring he was home on hospice, I made sure he knew I had two to plant. That was 2021. I planted again in 2022, but missed 2023 because I was with my sister in New Mexico because she just lost her husband. Steve would understand.

There is a place very close to her house, Baylor Canyon Pass in the Organ Mountains, in Las Cruces New Mexico, my sister’s back yard, yet… we could not find a single poppy field!

Why? Who knows! There are beautiful pics on the internet and we searched and drove multiple times in case we missed them . I’ll just have to keep visiting my sister every spring to pay homage to Steve.

I do know why I pick fresh flowers every day to put by his picture on my nightstand, I do know why I let my window open when our lilacs are blossoming and their fragrance permeates our bedroom.

I just don’t know why… sometimes, family or friends think… so I keep these special things that I do to myself…. Then I don’t have to worry about what they think… I just know I’m good