The truth is, I think and dream about being as happy as I was when I was with Steve. Living with him, enduring any struggles, whether they were financial difficulties or personal problems. The truth is, at my age now (64) , I’m not sure I want to go through any of that pain, anguish or hardship.

We were always very comfortable and accepting of each other, our pitfalls, our moods.

Actually, I was married the first time at the age of 20 years, who was I ? I became a mom of three by the time I was 27. I was divorced at the age of 36. I don’t regret any of my choices. I loved being at home with all my children, but sometimes, I felt I was alone. The only parent. My husband never looked at me like he loved me. It was more of a duty to him. But maybe it was because we were so young. Things were different in the 80’s than they are today. We would only go out to dinner together for our special days… our anniversary, our birthdays maybe, as a couple. But, we never grew or evolved as a couple, if that makes sense. It was more about duty and expectations.

Steve and I weren’t perfect, but we knew each other. He knew I came as a package deal with 3 children, he knew I was divorcing as was he. He had a son. But, we were more accepting of each other and our quirks and expectations because we had been down this road before. The things that meant a lot to us in the past, maybe didn’t mean that much to us now.

He looked at me like I was the Apple of his eye. He told me how good I looked when we went out together. And we always complimented each other on our dress, our cologne/perfume. He would help me pick out my shoes, I always wanted to look good for him.

I knew who I was and so did he. We both knew what we wanted… and so it was .

Sure, we would argue and we would agree, and that’s how it was. We trusted each other, we merged our lives. We built our foundation. But we were , most importantly, able to be ourselves, to be me , to be him, to be us. He invited me on his NASCAR racing life. I never thought of myself as being a car person. My first husband was a football fan, but I was never invited to a game. But, that’s another life.

The truth is… never say no to being invited to something you’re not really interested in…who knows where it will lead, a new experience if nothing else.

The truth is… if you never say no… you might be your happiest ever… by just saying yes!

Truth is… just say yes!

Til death do us part – famous vows. What happens when one half of the equation has already departed?

One of us is still living and trying to find the path to still live and be alive and find joy and happiness, but… if I’m being honest, it’s just a complacent joy.

I love and enjoy everything I do.

I can pick and choose what I want to do, but I often think about what the eventual outcome is now.

Will my children benefit from this household improvement upon my demise?

My kids have told me, to live out my wishes and not worry about household things like new windows or garage improvements. But sometimes these things bring me a sense of accomplishment, but I hate spending the money. I’d rather travel somewhere than spend $5000 on windows! Wouldn’t you ? There are always so many things on my “list”!

I guess I’ll just keep on going from here, as I see fit… I vow to sleep well before I make a big decision, in case I hear from Steve, who I do hear from on occasion, and I’ll still always wonder, at the end of the day, the end of the night, at the end of it all… where do I go from here?

I was lost after Steve’s death, but now I am really where I’m supposed to be.

I’m not sure where that is exactly, but I’m here. Some people who have lost their spouses sell the house because it causes too much pain to live there. Some find living alone too much work to take care of the property. Others, move away, to try and get a fresh start. At least, that’s what I’m guessing. Me, I’m staying put. I think I would find it too painful and difficult for me to be in any of those situations. I would feel like I was running, running from the truth.

I love the house that we bought and continued to nurture it by improving things here and there. I’ve lived here for 27 years now. Yes, it’s a lot of work for me but I can count on my village for advice and help. I divide and conquer the chores that I can’t do so I’m not a burden on any one person. After all, I’m no one’s responsibility. And, this is a big AND, I can’t imagine packing up and going through all the “stuff” we’ve accumulated over the years. All the things from the kids on holidays that they made in school. Let them do it when it’s my turn to exit.

I would imagine, as time goes on, that I’ll continue to settle into my new life and my routine.

So, for the meantime, I’m right where I want to be. Where I need to be.

New year… new resolutions!

I have not re-read my post from 2023 to see what I have achieved or accomplished. But, I do know of maybe two things that I maybe can check off the list. And if I can check them off, they were very important to me. And, if it wasn’t on the resolution list, it must have been still pretty important… for me to make strides, as a widow, and get on with life.

Yes! I ate a lunch alone, at a table, not a booth, by myself and I was surrounded by other tables filled with guests.

I attended a concert by myself in Philadelphia, to see Ed Sheeran, who was next on our list of people we must see.

My friend, Kathy, after I told her that I went alone, said that I should have asked her to go, she would have gone. But I don’t think she really realized what or why I needed to do this by myself. I know she thinks she would be supportive so I’m not alone, but I wasn’t. It was another thing that Steve and I wanted to do, so I chose to do it with “him”. I knew he was there because he gave me the best ever Uber driver who was so patient and kind and considerate.

Back to my 2024 resolutions…

I’m hooked on all the ads on social media for yoga exercises, chair yoga especially. So, I hope to set aside weekly time for that.

I need to lower my cholesterol by 12 units/measures, so I will be eating 1 fruit a day, and try to tell my brain, that at dinner, I don’t need a beef, veggie or starch. Good lord! How did I ever survive with food fried in lard!?

So, resolutions are:

Lower cholesterol

Chair yoga… or stretching and flexing every day to get me flexible

If it’s important at the start of 2024, then it’s going to happen in 2024 … sometime… but… it’s going to happen.

I have an iPhone, so every week, I get a cloud on my phone that tells me my screen time was up to 3.5 hours per day or down to 2.9 hours per day, or what have you.

I have to tell you, I obsess over those little red checks, those notifications. I don’t know why. Maybe because I feel so isolated all the time from the world, I think I’m missing something really important. And, as luck would have it, I’m not!

And that’s ok.ay I realize that if it was important, I’d get a call, a text or a message would be left on my phone. So, in a way, it’s a great thing. Everyone I know is fine, nothing bad or catastrophic is happening to any of my loved ones. Everyone is just chilling in their daily lives.

Sadly, I never get those messages from Steve anymore. The one that’s says he’s stopping at the store and he thought he’d make something special for dinner tonight. He loved to cook, and when he was working, his schedule was better for it than mine. He was home every day by 3 pm. He had time to nap if he wanted, or get a small task done, and then cook. My life was great then. It’s good now, or okay now, but it’s not the same.

I no longer wait for his messages or pictures from work to show me what he did. In fact, the only ones I get now are pictures of fur babies. And that makes me smile.

I’ve come to use those little checks and notifications to fill up my day. Some days, that’s my only connection to the outside world. I’m tired of seeing movie stars in their bikinis at the age of 53, I’m tired of their wedding drama, but that’s what they do!

I try to check my phone only 3-4 times a day, but that doesn’t work. The red checks and emails just pile up as mostly useless nonsense and I hit delete delete delete. I’m not even sure if I read the headlines.

I’m looking for the one that says “ you’ve hit the lottery!” But, in a way, I already did. I had a great life with Steve and my kids… and my life is still good, not great, but okay. That’s what I have . That’s how I’d rate my life now. Could it be better, no one knows but God. But it sure has been great so far, and for that, I’m thankful. I keep on pushing forward to get to a happy and fulfilling place. I’ve learned to enjoy more of the little, silly things now. I’m appreciative of the time I get to spend with my children and their fur-babies. And, it seems that while my biggest struggle is still ongoing, I’m learning to cope. While, some of my friends are having struggles of their own, I feel that I can be a good sounding board for them, even though they don’t understand my plight.

So, red check or not, they’ll still bother me, I’ll continue to check them, in hopes that one will be spectacular news!

Keep on checking!

I’ve cut and layered my hair. First time ever in about 30 years. I was never one to pay $80 for a haircut and dye, Steve liked it long and, quite frankly, it wasn’t extremely long for what society thinks is too long for someone of my age.

I never really cared about what anyone thought.

If you want to dye your hair purple, do it! By all means do it!

But, I changed my hair.

I layered it.

I was looking for a change.

I’m looking for a change to make me happy.

I’m rearranging furniture to try and make me happy.

I’m just trying to find a way to make up for my loss, that will somehow make me happy.

Random thought… don’t question anyone who you know who has lost their other half, when you see them making changes. They’re not, hopefully, going off the deep end, but are searching for happiness.

They are still alive and have to relearn how to live without that someone.

And if cutting or changing my hair style, is a sign of my attempt to try to be happy again… so be it!

Just do what you need to do to try and make you happy again, it may take a while, and some might judge, but they don’t wear your shoes!

When do we actually decide it’s time?

Time to pack up all of our lost loved ones’ belongings into a box. And then what?

What do you do with them?

Donate to an organization that a stranger will use or buy for pennies on the dollar? They mean so much more than that to me!

I still have all of Steve’s clothing and personal items. I’m not sure, even after two and a half years, what I intend to do with them.

I’ve found that his boxers and t-shirts are comfortable to sleep in and wearing them keeps him still close to me.

He has lots of thermal/button downs that I think I’ll hold onto… after all, I still try to heat the house with wood rather than pay the price for oil.

I know he’s never coming back to wear his jeans or shoes, so they’re boxed up… just waiting for me to make the next move.

When… I don’t know when… and that word alone doesn’t have a time frame, which is good… because… I don’t know when… when… whenever.

We all have them. 

While we have daily routines and goals of accomplishments, for instance, I need to pay bills today, cook this on Sunday, clean this on Tuesday, do laundry on this day… let’s just face it… there are many times we are not on our projected schedule.

I find, not just since Steve has passed away, but also since I’m in semi retirement, while I have my “projected” agenda, I’m very easily distracted. I don’t know if it’s because if I don’t get to it , my mentality is that I can do it tomorrow. 

I seem focused and still goal oriented.  But, I can easily get distracted, and that steers me onto a tangent. It’s not something that I was looking to do… wasn’t even on a list of any kind, but, I’m just doing it as opposed to what I really should be doing or what needs to be done. 

Reality vs. diversion 

Here’s my example:

I could go to my desk to pay my bills, then, I see my address book.. knowing some friends have moved, I decide to update on a whim… remind you , I was to pay some bills! Didn’t pay any bills this time. 

I decide to put all my summer fans in the attic… next thing you know, the fans are still in the spare bedroom and I’m reorganizing the attic! 

Sometimes I’m very goal oriented and I have productive days… but other days… not so much! 

I get upset when I have to decide, do I clean the bathroom or try that new recipe which sounds delicious vs a clean shower! 

Am I using these little diversions as not wanting to face what really needs to be done … I get it done, eventually, in time… 

Are they my time wasters … 

Yes… while I still get something accomplished, it wasn’t on my list, I avoided what I disliked to to more than this, but I got something done… I didn’t waste time… 

But I used my time wasters until I was ready! 

I’m pretty much still an emotional mess.

Years ago, throughout my career in management, I was told, I always carried myself with confidence and a smile on my face. I could sit at a table at a conference, and people would come to me. I wasn’t overly overt, more quiet and reserved, but yes, maybe they felt I was lonely, so they came to my table, sat with me and we chatted. But , honestly, those corporate gigs weren’t my thing. I would have rather been home and still hoped to be that next level of management. 

I’m still putting on my big girl britches, trying my hardest to do everything I need to do around the house, including Steve’s jobs. I try not to be needy, and  maybe because I still exude that confidence that I’ve had from years ago, that attitude that I’ve got this or I can do this, …..

I just would absolutely love and cry if someone helped me out unexpectedly! 

I had a tree go down before I left two weeks ago due to a storm. Told a few neighbors, who have been close friends of ours for years, here’s what I have to look forward to when I come back! 

The dead tree is still there… there is no tree fairy… no kind soul who feels like they should help me out. I’m not looking for pity … but I’m 63…. I’m looking for help without always shelling out big bucks for 30 minutes of work!

But … then… again… I take the high road … I’m not their concern… they don’t owe me anything… and I know their lives are busy…

Deep down inside… I know I still got this… it would just be nice… deep down inside… ☮️❤️

Being a widow or widower means being able to have a good poker face.

I don’t play poker, but I know what it implies.

No matter what, you have to put on your best face and try to enjoy or have a good time, even if you aren’t actually feeling that way. You may laugh, chuckle, seem to enjoy the moment, but that’s because you have to and there are not many other options.

You can’t be that depressed person in the room, looking solemn and sad. I’ve found that I can reserve that time for myself at night. Right before I go to sleep… funny word… sleep… not sure how I manage that some nights.

I went to dinner with a friend the other night. We chatted a lot. We asked each other the usual questions. How are the kids? What are they up to? How is your husband? We talked about pets, vacations, food, but not once was I asked how I was doing. I asked her how she was, but it wasn’t reciprocated. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Maybe my poker face made it seem that I was okay and that everything was hunky dorey. I don’t know. Maybe she was afraid of the elephant in the room and afraid to ask. What if I really dumped and unloaded all my stress, anguish and loss on her, then what? How would she feel? Would she feel burdened by my unleashing of anger and my lack of “ I don’t really care “ about some things because they seem so minute and insignificant to me than the loss of Steve?

I.Don’t.Know.

So I don’t say. I don’t want the conversation to be about me all the time. But a nice little “How are you doing?” and meaning it would be nice from someone every now and then. It would not only make me feel like someone was concerned and interested but they could be providing me with a shoulder to lean on.

Life is great, when you have that special person, beside you, to lean on, talk to, share things with.

But then, when they’re gone, it’s time to play poker… so… I put on my poker face… every morning and every day … I now play poker ♥️ ♦️ ♣️ ♠️.