Sometimes I’m so proud of myself . What I can accomplish, things that I can figure out, just through reasoning. My mind is still sharp. My health is still good. At this point, right now, I have no physical limitations.

But, I do realize, some day I will.

So, I try so hard, to do everything on my own, without hiring a contractor or a landscaper, to complete most of what needs to be done. But I do count on others for advice or knowledge.

I will always defer to an exterminator to take care of my yellow jackets nests, and if I need a tree cut down, yeah, I’m not using Steve’s chainsaw, just to prove I can! Had I grown up in a lumberjack household, that would be another story.

But…

I grew up in a family of seven children. The first 4 of us were female and then the male came, and then a female and the last was a male.

So, us girls, we were the handy ones working with my dad, under the cars, handing him the tools or what he needed. We were his assistants. I never questioned or thought this was male work, I was just helping out my dad and that made me happy and feel like I was contributing and glad to assist. We would hop on the yard tractor to cut grass or push the mower to go around the flowers beds. I wasn’t a greasemonkey, to borrow a phrase from the 60’s, but I knew enough to help out.

My nickname growing up was “Butch”. Butch Damboo, to be exact, because apparently , I also couldn’t say my last name. So, was that where all my independence started? I don’t know either because I’m also a Taurus, if you follow the stars. I’m sure I’m a very hard person to love.

I just find it frustrating now, to re-gain my independence. After all, I’m no one’s responsibility.

It’s been just over 2 and a half years since Steve has passed. I’m trying my best to do everything, myself, but I will always need advice. After all, the mechanics of the yard tools has changed… winterizing, what needs stabilizers, battery tenders on this , I will always keep notes as I do with my gardening. I can manage all the things I’ve always done… house chores, decorating, cooking, but now… I’m doing the things Steve would do… grass cutting, pressure washing, weed whacking, outdoor painting and staining, tree trimming, mulching, spraying, and each of our lists of duties could go on.

My next challenge is pressure washing… never ever had I ever!

And I’m sure there are still many… never have I ever…

I’m about to pressure wash!

But… bring it on! ☮️❤️

I went back to our favorite winery in North Carolina recently. We are members of the wine club there, dating back to the inception of the winery. It was our “go to” place to get away every year, often multiple times a year.

I tried a new experience this time around. It was a dinner where we had wine paired with a special menu, and it was phenomenal! But I looked around, and saw couples… girlfriends celebrating… and friends just hanging and having a great time. 

There I was, just me, at a round table, no one to chat with, no one to compare the flavors of the meal and how that enhanced the aroma and the taste of the wine. I did still learn more about wine, as I’ve come to find out, that each host presents their own knowledge of wine, wine making and the attributes of wine. So, to have a new host experience is divine. After all, reality is, it’s a job for them and it makes their job easier to repeat the knowledge they have. It’s their “program,” so to speak. 

So, again, I can cross that off of my new year resolutions, I ate alone on this experience and I had lunch alone on the previous day. I think my resolutions for 2023 are complete!

But, even though I put myself out there, it doesn’t make me feel any better. I didn’t enjoy any specific moment of it. I was still lonely. Funny thing is, I eat alone every day at home, with no one to talk to, and I’m okay. But maybe, just maybe right now, since dining out in public by myself makes me more conscious of the fact that I am alone, makes it harder. You often don’t see someone dining out alone. 

But… on a positive note… I was chatting wine the winemaker, Mark. He was Steve’s bestie whenever we visited the winery. Steve would get up early, on our vacation getaway, just to talk to Mark about bottling, because that’s what Steve did, and learn more about bottling wine. Steve would bottle wine on his vacation, it was in his blood! He loved to learn more about bottling and any aspects of the industry… and the fact that it had to do with wine made it even better.

Mark is very well known in the industry. He’s well respected and is connected to other winemakers throughout the world. While I was talking to Mark, I found it very touching, that Steve must have given Mark his phone number to call him for whatever reason. 

Mark told me, “I have Steve’s number on my bulletin board and I’ll never take it down.” 

That meant so much to me. I can’t express the love I felt. In that moment, I just passed it off as a compliment and comment. But, upon further reflection, Mark didn’t have to tell me that, so, it must be true and that was his way of telling me that he misses Steve also, in his own way. Maybe when I see Mark in December, after I’ve had time to process it, I can tell him, hopefully without crying, that would make Steve happy to know that. And I’m sure Steve does know that! 

It’s great to know that even when Steve’s gone…. By some… he’s not forgotten… as life goes on…  

But Steve will never be forgotten.

There are different tiers in life – almost everything, has a hierarchy. 

There’s the president of a company, the VP, assistants to them and then there’s the trickle down workforce… us… the worker bees. 

I remember my great grandmother, aka Bushie, who passed at the ripe old age of 95. She was at the top of our tier, as a family. When she passed, she was survived by four of her remaining children, my grandmother being one of them. At the time of my Bushie’s death, my grandmother, Nana, was 76. We would celebrate Bushie’s birthday every year, she was the reigning matriarch, as if it could be her last birthday. And then another year would pass, we would celebrate again and again and again… until it happened. I was 36 when she passed. 

Bushie’s husband had died in 1958 of kidney cancer, as the family tells me. She had spent the remaining 33 years of her life living with my Nana, yet I wonder how alone she must have felt – she never dated nor remarried. 

Children, neighbors, friends, family – it’s wonderful to have these people in our lives, but they just don’t equal the bond between a husband and a wife. I suspect this was the case for my Bushie. 

When Bushie died, that left my Nana, the oldest survivor in the family tree. Her husband, my grandfather, had passed by then. My Nana never dated or remarried, either, and she passed in 1996, at the age of 81. As we were going through her belongings, I came across a ticker tape from my Bushie’s last trip to the hospital from her heart monitor. I kept it because on the back of it, my Nana had written “My dearest mother’s last heartbeat.”

This has stuck with me over the years, that even though my Bushie lived an extremely long time, and my grandmother was in her 70’s when she died, it was still not easy for her. They were lucky to have each other. Maybe that’s what kept them living all those years.

Death of a close loved one is never easy, no matter the length of life. 

Those deaths left my mom at the top of our family tree. She was the oldest of all the relatives. My father passed before my mother. My mom never wavered in her strength or her loss. She lived almost another 20 years after my dad passed. I wish I could have understood her loss now that I know what I know. We, her kids, had our kids and family and although we all felt the loss of our dad, we were busy, living life. I don’t recall that if I ever once asked her how she was doing. She always seemed fine. But now, I realize that’s the mask we have to put on . I put it on every day. You have to, in order to keep going… until ….

Mom passed in 2019. 

Now, I’m at the top of the chain. If death goes according to age, I’m next in line. 

I lost Steve in 2021. All of my kids , even though they’re here for me, they live their lives, and as they should. But …

Now, it’s just me…. Lonely at the top. 

I’ve completed one of my many goals for this year…

I went to a concert in Philadelphia, by myself. I drove to Philly, which took about an hour, no big deal. I booked a hotel for the night, took a Lyft to and from Lincoln Financial Field, drove home the next morning…. And enjoyed the concert. I actually enjoyed being out of my element for the night. I wasn’t in our bed, in our house, surrounded by the memories and thinking about the “what ifs.” I knew Steve was there with me so all was good. I still feel his protection around me . I know he was there because this was the next concert on our list, to see Ed Sheeran.

We had seen many other artists over the years – Elton John, Rod Stewart, Stevie Knicks, Blake Shelton, Paul McCarty… and the list goes on. It’s hard to believe it’s been over two years already and yet, no matter how many trips I take or adventures I go on, it’s like it was just yesterday that he left me but yet he’s still here with me. It’s hard to explain unless you’re the survivor.

And I’ve come to realize, I am a survivor. I’ve managed to make things work on my own – mostly, my own judgment. There is no one to run things by, to talk about options with. And because of this, I sometimes think, if I can survive losing my Steve, every one can survive. We can and are all survivors.

Tonight, there was drama with my sisters. I, truthfully, probably created some of it but not all of it. As always, we have to be specific when texting, because we can’t read what you are inferring and those reading it might interpret it differently in their own mind.

We are planning a trip together, us 4 sisters. Out of the blue, one sister texts to the group that my other sister should bring her daughter on the trip. Why? It’s not stated, just that the niece is invited. My opinion is, if one niece is invited, all nieces are invited. Apparently, my sister with the daughter doesn’t like to travel alone. Solution: book your flight with the other sister that you have travelled with many other times before, who also doesn’t like to travel alone and who doesn’t have a daughter. Simple answer and solution, in my opinion.

But, I’m sure I’m now looking like an outcast and a troublemaker, but that’s okay.

Why is it okay? Because I’ve developed a thicker skin when it comes to things, like standing up for myself, my beliefs, my opinions. And because…

When Steve’s obituary was written, it said he was survived by me, his spouse.

There it was in the newspaper for all to see…

I’m a survivor.

I still have the same 24 hours in a day and seven days in the week like every one of us. The problem seems to be that I have too much time on my hands. Time to think, time to plan, time to finish my gardening (which is lacking at the moment). And then, due to our PA heat and humidity, I put it off. Because I still have too much time to complete it.

I went out to dinner with a friend on Thursday, so that was my excuse for that day for not getting anything accomplished. I have an upcoming dentist appointment… another day for not getting any housecleaning done or yard work.

I use the excuse that it’s too hot during the day, and I’m not one of those seniors who gets up at the crack of dawn. So, I get up by 9, take care of my daughter, shower, etc, By then it’s noon and hot!

And I’m not starting yard work at 6 in the evening, By then I’m just ready to eat and be a couch potato and watch Family Feud!

It seems, even though I don’t feel or think I’m old, I’ve got a lot of those old vibes going on.

And, thank God… for now. I’m grateful that I can procrastinate, I can ponder… why? Because God has graced me for now… with too much time on my hands.

I went out with Crazy Cork lady again. I actually had a good time and a great dinner. I went to the ladies room, came out, she picked up the tab and said “You can get it next time.” That’s great because this time I got what I wanted, as I was expecting to pay.

I told a close neighbor that I actually had a good time and he said “Live it up.”

Well, we all know that I will probably never be able to “live it up” again and have an enjoyable night or evening since Steve has passed. I know. It’s been over two years, but I’m not looking for everlasting joy or love. I’m just looking for happy, carefree days, things to bring me joy.

It’s tough, not only when you lose your spouse, but your best friend, the one that loved you through all your happy days, sad days, your hardships and happiness together.

I can’t imagine building that now, at my age, with anyone else.

But someone once said to me, “Live in the present, because the future belongs to God.”

So, my response to him was… “You do the same!”

Maybe he feels he’s living his best life and knows that I’ve lost my Steve and is trying to help me on my ongoing journey. Trying to always be positive for me.

I’ve also come to realize that your heart and head have to be in sync. Your head helps you to laugh and keep going, but my heart is still broken. It’s not ready to love anyone in addition to those I already love now, and not yet in the way I loved Steve. Some day, maybe… or maybe not… and that’s okay with me.

So, every day, I’ll try to “live it up” and leave the rest to God, I know God and Steve will always have my back!

Every thing I do nowadays is by my choice.

Now that I’m semi-retired, I’ve earned that. Giving myself a schedule and not having corporate telling me my schedule or how my personal life can fit into that.

This particular situation has been bugging me since mid May…

The crazy cork lady wanted to go out to eat with me somewhere. I knew sometime in May, she was going to Hawaii for her 40th wedding anniversary. I thought she would be too busy to work dinner in so I suggested we’d wait until she got back. Why squeeze one more thing in when under a time crunch?

Well, she worked it in. As I got my cash out to pay my share of the bill, she said she got this because she wanted to know if I could watch their cat while they were gone.

Now, ordinarily, this wouldn’t be an issue. She’s two blocks away, no big deal. But watching the cat, also now involved the litter box, feeding the wild birds, watering outside plants both in the back and front.

I was caught off guard. I had no plan B, couldn’t even think of my choice on how to respond. Maybe I would have ordered something higher in price had I known she was paying for dinner! My share was only $30… but those were my food choices because I thought I was paying. I felt like I was duped… mislead… taken advantage of.

And to top it all off, her sister-in-law comes over every day, too. So why do you need me again? I also have to make plans for my special-needs daughter while I take care of business because the house is not “Marlies-proofed.”

I know cork lady would be okay with me bringing her into the house, but that might just result in me having more work to do. I’d give cork lady 24 hours to keep an eye on Marlies, and maybe, just maybe, she’d understand.

So, I can’t – or, rather don’t want to – house sit anymore. My choice.

It puts me on a temporary schedule that I didn’t ask for, and it’s for 10 whole days… not two days…. Not one day… my choice.

I have a ton of work to keep me busy. Hopefully, with Marlies returning to the day program… she’ll be exhausted and I can nap.

I didn’t have a choice when I lost Steve. That was beyond my control. There are too many things in life that happen without having any say in the matter. So from now on, I’m making as many choices as I can, and I’m going to stand firm in those choices and not back down. Because you only get to make so many choices in life.

I keep looking back at times during my life, as we all do, and I think… I could have been this or I could have been that. I could have said this, or I could have done that.

I think about all the ways I could have been better… better at raising our kids, communicating with them, being closer and open with them.

Not that I think I was a failure, but I was on the cusp of the next generation of women who were making the choice to go to college and have a career, or to be a housewife raising a family. It kinda made being a mom submissive to anything else at the time. But, I loved being a mom. I just wish I could have been better or more assertive with all parental roles and the give and take.

But that was with my first marriage.

My marriage to Steve was totally different. He recognized my work schedule. And his work schedule gave him the benefit of being home before me. He would make dinner, since he loved to cook, and when I got home, whether it was 5 pm or 11 pm… I knew all the kids were taken care of. I didn’t have to worry or stress about what I was coming home to.

I could have thanked him more. I could have appreciated him more. I could have told him I loved him more.

Sometimes we are so wrapped up in the mechanics of life, we already think we’re doing our best.

But, truth be told, I could not have asked for a better partner in our short lives together.

I think, our lives are always filled with a lot more “ should haves”, could haves… and so we learn too late

Isn’t it funny how you can watch tv, the news, read a newspaper, flip through a magazine, watch a movie… and hear or watch it and that’s all you do. But, then one day…

All those articles, news briefs, current movies…. Start to hit home.

It’s not that you didn’t feel, in your thoughts or emotions, about those stories or what had happened… they just weren’t personal. It had to do with “other” people. People you didn’t know, but now…. It’s personal, it’s your person that’s being affected, and all those ads, advertisements, movie scenes, coincide with your personal life. It’s as if these messages were following you around waiting to strike at your most vulnerable time.

I remember Steve asking me, just after he was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, am I going to leave him? Because he saw on the news how many marriages break up after a cancer diagnosis. It never crossed my mind, but yet, there was a news story about it that coincided with our lives.

And then, after Steve passed away in 2021, there was the Netflix show “After Life”. How appropriate for me to watch in my most vulnerable time.

And tonight I watched “A Man Called Otto”. Again, so honest about how I have felt at times since Steve passed away, to a degree of actions that I wouldn’t/won’t act upon, but, I could understand how Otto might feel this way.

Within a month after Steve passing, I went on a scheduled trip to our favorite winery in North Carolina. It was an “incentive“ for Steve to keep hanging on and fight, but sadly he didn’t make it. While I was there, I saw was a news story about giving hope to men who are diagnosed with prostate cancer. I can’t even tell you what it was, it was so soon after Steve had passed away, it probably wouldn’t have helped in his situation, but I remember thinking, “If only…”

And I know, it’s not funny… it was just in the cards… Steve’s fate, my future… the future of others.

I’m sure, every time a new discovery is made, I’ll be happy but I’ll be sad,

….It really won’t be “funny,” but a great new discovery!

I just don’t know any more.

It’s now been two years since Steve has passed away.

I will say, the first year was the toughest… and then you just accept the future.

And now, I’m living my future, day by day.

Since Steve has died, I lost my youngest brother, and most recently, a brother in law, and his wife, my sister, still continues to be my rock!

My kids are always there for me, but the level of loss is different. Yet, my sister, who had to deal with so much in her married life, always has something positive to tell me or tell me that I’m still okay.

Steve’s favorite flower was poppies. Every spring we would plant a few. The spring he was home on hospice, I made sure he knew I had two to plant. That was 2021. I planted again in 2022, but missed 2023 because I was with my sister in New Mexico because she just lost her husband. Steve would understand.

There is a place very close to her house, Baylor Canyon Pass in the Organ Mountains, in Las Cruces New Mexico, my sister’s back yard, yet… we could not find a single poppy field!

Why? Who knows! There are beautiful pics on the internet and we searched and drove multiple times in case we missed them . I’ll just have to keep visiting my sister every spring to pay homage to Steve.

I do know why I pick fresh flowers every day to put by his picture on my nightstand, I do know why I let my window open when our lilacs are blossoming and their fragrance permeates our bedroom.

I just don’t know why… sometimes, family or friends think… so I keep these special things that I do to myself…. Then I don’t have to worry about what they think… I just know I’m good