I know it’s been a while, quite a while.

Over four years since Steve has passed away and guess what? I’m still here, surviving. Never ever would I have thought I would emotionally be here where I am today.

So much has happened, especially this year… a divorce of our son… the marriage of our daughter… new neighbors moved in a year ago across the street, they never knew Steve, obviously.

Life and change truly goes on.

I went on a small mini vacation with my cousin and her boyfriend to the beach. The morning we were leaving , there was a hot rod of old cars parading on the boardwalk just below our balcony. They were loving and shouting out the makes, models, year of the cars… really enjoying themselves. I had to break away and shower. They yelled to tell me to tell me what I was missing . I already knew what it was…

It was Steve! He was right there in my mind, beaming over the balcony, calling and boasting about the passing cars.

But, they didn’t need me to put a damper on their joy, so, I just went and showered. They didn’t need to know that in their joy, I was sadly thinking of what I was missing . And I’m sure, they will never know or get why I left . And that’s on.

I’m pretty sure, most of my family and friends, after 4 years, would probably wonder why, if I actually showed my feelings,would think I need some kind of help .

But, you learn to put grief into a box, and take the lid off as needed. And that’s what I do!

Tomorrow, I have to go to a funeral for my sister in law on Steve’s side.

I’m pretty sure he’s there with her, making fun of us, joking with her on how it’s not so bad , and they are smiling down on us with love… because love is what keeps us going…

Love… just love every day … every moment ❤️

I knew all along as I was trying to grasp my life and journey, that those have helped me and Steve the most, including getting through Covid,,and I hate to use that as a baseline but what we were told at the time , scared the be-Jesus out of some of us.

I knew in time, we would all need to move on. My loss of Steve, would take me time to gather my strength to keep going. If I didn’t know how much we both loved our little house and how much of his heart felt labor he put into creating our oasis, I’d sell . But I love the labor. I feel Steve’s heartbeat and I can appreciate his devotion to our house.

After all, we are only the second family to live here and we can appreciate the the previous owner, Paul, who built this by himself, and oddly, our son’s name is Paul.

Back to spring growth…

Our son has been granted a divorce.

My neighbor, across the street, who Steve n I would take meals over to during Covid bc he was divorced and living alone, has a girlfriend.

I’m happy that this has happened. When Steve passed away, I asked him bc I needed a purpose and direction to keep me going . I’d take him meals on Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday.

And, as I have found how to fill my void and have grown, I’m happy to say, apparently, I’m no longer tied down to meals on those days.

I will be forever thankful that he helped me to find my way and fill that void where I didn’t know what to do or do next or how do I fill my time.

But .. after four years now, I realize, growth is good for everyone.

And whether it’s spring summer fall or winter, growth is good .

Two words… that’s all I can say. He has been my most favorite author since Steve has passed away.

Sure, he is most known for Tuesdays with Morrie and lest I say … a few more. And I’m not really sure what turned me on or enticed me to read on… but I felt a connection.. at the right time … that moment in my life … he’s my sublime spiritual guide, he keeps me believing in a god without discerning a specific religious belief, that god will always exists in our life, unless you are truly an atheist, and I am not,

Maybe he, in his writings, just wants us all to be greater human beings. I’m not opposed to that.

He doesn’t want to convert or change your beliefs. I’m not opposed to that.

I’ve cherished.,For one more day… since i lost Steve

I’ve cried after the first call from Heaven

And I’m trying to change my ways now after reading The time keeper.

I didn’t really appreciate his other works that I read before Steve passed away… but I will reread them… they are so heartfelt and warming and give me hope for my future life … here and now and a deep belief in my God.

He is great ❤️🏆

When you are grieving, and in your own way, you will always be missing that special loved one. There’s no time clock to tell you when to stop .

The memories will always be there, just like snippets of your life as a child growing up. Hopefully, all those memories are fond ones , they make you smile back when you were a kid.

The difference is, my memories with Steve were while I was not a kid. It was our life, our life together, raising kids, changing jobs, building our relationship. So much more a bigger deal than when I was , say 8 years old.

The problem is also this… if I seem too happy, some might say that I didn’t really love Steve and that’s certainly not true.

The other problem is, if I seem too sad, some would say it’s been 4 years and I need to move on and let it go.

The problem is, they are not me, most of my friends are not in my situation, They try to be helpful, but I just take their advice with a grain of salt.

The problem is… there is no problem, life just tends to sort all these things out … in time… there is no time limit

I talk to very few people anymore because I don’t have Steve as that one constant person I would talk to.

You know… those mundane conversations that we think we are having, but in the end they could be so important.

Here’s why….

I think maybe in my past blogs, I might have said that I actually prepared my own obituary. I gave it paid for… I have it written down for the newspaper… I have songs that I would like to be played.

There is nothing worse than going to the funeral home, less than 24 … maybe 48 hours after your husband has died, and trying to make these decisions. The emotions are really high. The questions and your answers when you are still trying to hold it together…

What do you want? Prayer card… night visitation… hymns… chaplain… music… songs… picture for the service and newspaper… and the list goes on!

And as rough and tough n as it may be, it’s one less part of the equation that our kids will have to worry about. Because, now that Steve is gone… 4 years now… how did that happen? It will be up to them, and I just want to make it a no brainer for them. They’re going to be busy enough dealing with the contents of my estate.

Sad, I have to think of this but I’ve lost my love and I , as a mom, want to make it a smoother transition for our kids.

So, remember what you really want to and pray that you can remember who you told your wishes to!✌️❤️

Famous words often used for various reasons.

They weren’t the original thoughts of this post but it’s true.

I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself but at the end of 2024 , during the holidays, I finally found that I had become my own person again. I was still and always will be a grieving widow but I no longer feel that I have to announce it. My heart is lighter in that way.

I haven’t posted as much because I found that when I lost Steve , my heart and life became hollow. Grief had consumed my heart and that’s all I had to follow. My heart. Half of which had just died.

So, I put my grief and heartache into writing. To use writing as therapy for myself rather than go to counseling which, for me, was a money saver. And I told my daughter , in December of 2024, I think I am finally ok. I feel like a whole person again.

Steve had told me , through a local, very on point, healing medium, that I was going to be ok, and I would live to be a very old woman. I hope it’s not past 95 for insurance reasons 🤣. I’ll see her again in March. And maybe those words of living to be old just give me the encouragement to go on and stay strong. and when I visit our daughter in LA and we have horrific turbulence and every one else screams, I remain calm because Steve has said I’ll live to be a very old woman, and I brave it by telling myself, Steve has said it’s not my time , I’m not very old.

But, in my times of doubt and in times of Steve being on hospice, he always said we were going to be ok. So I use those words of wisdom every time I have to make decisions, I put my faith in Him and God that I will be ok .

Steve was my being, God is my being…

To be or not to be

I think sometimes, that I feel like I am finally becoming a whole person again.

It’s been three and a half years now that Steve has passed away. And some might be thinking what took me so long. Others in my shoes already have been dating . They are around my same age, they were married as long as we were or maybe even longer. And my response is “ let’s not compare “.

All of our loves are different, our needs for companionship are different, and while I never expected to be by myself at this age of my life… after all … the 64 is now the 44… I’m trying to embrace it.

We choose our next path to try to find our happiness. Steve and I loved to travel. I was lucky enough to do a lifetime trip to South America this year with my sister who is also recently widowed under different circumstances so, we were the traveling “seesters “! And I could feel Steve every step of the way. It was a great relief for the both of us.

I’m choosing to not just exist in life but to live life.

So, if anyone asks how I’m doing and they say, “She looks to be ok and doing well “.

It’s still a mask, they don’t really know…they are my friends who have my best interests at heart…

But, overall, I’d say I finally have had a decent year…

recap: 2024 was decent

Hope to recap:2025 was good

Recap: 2026 … to be determined

Happy 2025!!!

It’s been 3 years and 8 months since Steve has passed away. I don’t feel like I’m making any headway in my life other than I try to keep busy… busy all the time.

My cousin said, that she knows I am always busy but I’m not sure that she realizes why.

She battles depression. I’m not an expert on that, but I know we all get depressed at times. She said there are two kinds, one is due to a chemical imbalance and the other is , social. Medical and social… hmmm

I’ve found that I battle my “depression “ by keeping busy and keeping my thoughts active , focused, doing things. Because when I’m not being challenged by tasks, I open up that box of Steve and all those things I love and miss about us , him, our relationship, our times together. But yet, they are all a beautiful thing.

Those who have not lost a spouse or other half, don’t really have the knowledge of saying “ oh, you’re not really depressed “. We just learn to mask it and try to look to the world that we’re doing ok and getting along and moving on with our life. What are our options? We only have two: carry on or suicide. So, most of us, I hope, choose to carry on but yet part of us has already died. Others don’t get this.

Today, because I didn’t have a lot going on, I cried at least three times when I thought of Steve. There was no apparent reason, I just still think sometimes that I can’t believe he’s gone and how much I miss him. I miss stroking his cheek while we watched tv, I miss his perfectly hairy chest, I miss his arms which were not overly muscular but perfectly formed in my eyes because he was a mechanic . He didn’t work out but the machinery he worked on kept those arms in shape.

So, my depression might not fall into one of those two categories… but there’s a third… love depression…

Another holiday… I still love the holidays…

Another day…. For sure , it will never be the same no matter how busy I try to be ❤️

I’m still trying to embrace and enjoy every holiday through out the year. But let’s face it, these autumn and winter holidays are more precious than the spring and summer holidays are.

Maybe, it’s our human defense mechanism kicks in during the winter months, hibernation, the cold, and then we have the BIG celebrations of the year. It makes us/forces us, to come out of hibernation, aka comfort zone, to celebrate. Truly not fair to everyone.

I’ve just taken a late epic trip that ended on 11/20, and that might be my new answer to finding the holidays so lonely and abysmal. I’m now playing catchup to get the house tidy and prepared for Christmas.

I’ll try to make it festive, as it will appear so to everyone who cones for a visit or sees it from the outside.

But, while I still enjoy the process of getting the house ready, it is in fact, a process. While I feel I am getting better and more comfortable as to where I am now in my new life, new roles, there is still a huge emptiness in my heart, mind, soul. I try to put it all in a box and only lift the lid on rare occasions.

After all, I still have many more holidays to go…

Please stop this carousel, you know, the beautiful one with the festively painted horses that go around and around with the music. The one where you can pull on the golden ring and then toss it into the box.

About two weeks ago, I thought I was on this ride that just wouldn’t stop. It seemed that everyone I knew and came in contact with, wanted to set me up with a friend.

My cousin wanted to set me up with a guy I knew in third grade but haven’t seen since. I mean, I could have passed him on the street and would not have known it was him. Turns out, he lost his wife just over a year ago in a car accident, and guess what ? He already has a girlfriend.

Then there’s my handyman guy who wants to set me up with another guy that he does work for. Turns out, this guy, John, has never been married. He golfs, bowls, has a sports car and is lonely. He also just had shoulder surgery and is taking medications for tremors due to the onset of Parkinson’s disease.

I feel bad for him, I’m sympathetic, but I’m not a free caretaker. I shouldn’t feel this way but don’t any of his golfing buddies know someone for him? How about a person at the country club he golfs at? I divorced my first husband and buried my second husband. I’m not sure I ever want to go through that again.

Steve and I met when I was in my early 30’s and he was approaching 40. We were young and healthy, in love, and as the live grew, so did his physical ailments. But they were not there initially, they came with age and we accepted them. We weren’t dealing with them from the onset of our relationship. They evolved. I’m not naive to think that we all come with baggage, restrictions, ailments in my age group. I just don’t think I want to deal with any of that from the get go. I know I sound picky but I’m not. I’m just facing the reality of people our age and what comes with it. I want to get off the carousel .

I also come with baggage. While, I’m physically healthy, I have our special needs daughter, who is 39, that lives with me. I take care of her. I don’t mind, but she takes up a lot of my time. So, actually. I’m still a caregiver. I don’t want to take care of more than one other person. I have to take care of me too !

Then, there’s the 45 year old who was Steve’s good friend and boss at Steve’s retirement job. But, cut me a break please. I’m 64 , how could someone think we were already a couple. Our son is 42, I could be his mom too . He’s a very nice guy and I lean on him for man-chore advice. Then I do the work if I can. We are truly just friends. But, one of my friends thought we were a couple! SMH!

I guess, what I’m really trying to say is, stop the carousel, I want to get off the horse, not back on it , at least at this time. Now I know who has someone they want to fix me up with and that is good to always have a plan b should I need one or feel ready. But I’m not there yet.

Let that carousel keep spinning for some one else, but not me