It’s been 3 years and 8 months since Steve has passed away. I don’t feel like I’m making any headway in my life other than I try to keep busy… busy all the time.

My cousin said, that she knows I am always busy but I’m not sure that she realizes why.

She battles depression. I’m not an expert on that, but I know we all get depressed at times. She said there are two kinds, one is due to a chemical imbalance and the other is , social. Medical and social… hmmm

I’ve found that I battle my “depression “ by keeping busy and keeping my thoughts active , focused, doing things. Because when I’m not being challenged by tasks, I open up that box of Steve and all those things I love and miss about us , him, our relationship, our times together. But yet, they are all a beautiful thing.

Those who have not lost a spouse or other half, don’t really have the knowledge of saying “ oh, you’re not really depressed “. We just learn to mask it and try to look to the world that we’re doing ok and getting along and moving on with our life. What are our options? We only have two: carry on or suicide. So, most of us, I hope, choose to carry on but yet part of us has already died. Others don’t get this.

Today, because I didn’t have a lot going on, I cried at least three times when I thought of Steve. There was no apparent reason, I just still think sometimes that I can’t believe he’s gone and how much I miss him. I miss stroking his cheek while we watched tv, I miss his perfectly hairy chest, I miss his arms which were not overly muscular but perfectly formed in my eyes because he was a mechanic . He didn’t work out but the machinery he worked on kept those arms in shape.

So, my depression might not fall into one of those two categories… but there’s a third… love depression…

Another holiday… I still love the holidays…

Another day…. For sure , it will never be the same no matter how busy I try to be ❤️