I have an iPhone, so every week, I get a cloud on my phone that tells me my screen time was up to 3.5 hours per day or down to 2.9 hours per day, or what have you.

I have to tell you, I obsess over those little red checks, those notifications. I don’t know why. Maybe because I feel so isolated all the time from the world, I think I’m missing something really important. And, as luck would have it, I’m not!

And that’s ok.ay I realize that if it was important, I’d get a call, a text or a message would be left on my phone. So, in a way, it’s a great thing. Everyone I know is fine, nothing bad or catastrophic is happening to any of my loved ones. Everyone is just chilling in their daily lives.

Sadly, I never get those messages from Steve anymore. The one that’s says he’s stopping at the store and he thought he’d make something special for dinner tonight. He loved to cook, and when he was working, his schedule was better for it than mine. He was home every day by 3 pm. He had time to nap if he wanted, or get a small task done, and then cook. My life was great then. It’s good now, or okay now, but it’s not the same.

I no longer wait for his messages or pictures from work to show me what he did. In fact, the only ones I get now are pictures of fur babies. And that makes me smile.

I’ve come to use those little checks and notifications to fill up my day. Some days, that’s my only connection to the outside world. I’m tired of seeing movie stars in their bikinis at the age of 53, I’m tired of their wedding drama, but that’s what they do!

I try to check my phone only 3-4 times a day, but that doesn’t work. The red checks and emails just pile up as mostly useless nonsense and I hit delete delete delete. I’m not even sure if I read the headlines.

I’m looking for the one that says “ you’ve hit the lottery!” But, in a way, I already did. I had a great life with Steve and my kids… and my life is still good, not great, but okay. That’s what I have . That’s how I’d rate my life now. Could it be better, no one knows but God. But it sure has been great so far, and for that, I’m thankful. I keep on pushing forward to get to a happy and fulfilling place. I’ve learned to enjoy more of the little, silly things now. I’m appreciative of the time I get to spend with my children and their fur-babies. And, it seems that while my biggest struggle is still ongoing, I’m learning to cope. While, some of my friends are having struggles of their own, I feel that I can be a good sounding board for them, even though they don’t understand my plight.

So, red check or not, they’ll still bother me, I’ll continue to check them, in hopes that one will be spectacular news!

Keep on checking!